THE QUESTION
I started a new job recently and my boss is really nice, almost too nice. She loves to chit-chat and is always trying to get me to join her for a meal or drinks after work. She has followed me on Instagram and Facebook. She shares personal info about her life and her family, presumably hoping that I’ll do the same. She’s never crossed any lines, but I really just want to focus on my work and go home. What should I do?
THE FIRST ANSWER
Shalini Duggal, chief people officer, Wattpad, Toronto
Writer, I’ve been there. Just because we’re in a professional setting, doesn’t mean the complexities of human relationships don’t sometimes pose challenges to workplace dynamics. While boss and employee relationships can be respectful and supportive, the power imbalance that encompasses them can make the opposite true. I’ve experienced both sides of the coin throughout my career.
It’s clear from your question that you’re overwhelmed with the way your boss currently engages with you. Consider exploring one of the following approaches to address this issue, depending on your preferred communication style:
The gentle approach: Kindly explain that despite the fact that you love chit-chatting at the water cooler, you were raised to believe that work relationships are for working hours. This saves your boss a potential ego bruising. It’s not personal, it’s just the way you are.
The straightforward approach: Be upfront with your boss by telling her you value your working relationship and the opportunity she’s given you, but are uncomfortable hearing about her personal life. This is completely fair. She hired a skilled professional, not a new best friend.
In all aspects of life, setting boundaries is one of the most important things you can do to ensure your relationships are working for you. At the end of the day, boss and employee relationships can be incredibly rewarding, as long as everyone is on the same page.
THE SECOND ANSWER
Colleen Clarke, workplace coach and career specialist, Toronto
Because you are a new employee, you should be able to set boundaries with your boss before things get out of hand. Your boss probably doesn’t know the effect she is having on you by being so friendly, and there is a good chance she is lonely and sees a kindred spirit in you. It is your job to let her know where you stand and what you need from her. Be specific about the role you want her to play in your life. “I am excited to prove my worth in this position. I look forward to collaborating with you, getting your advice on company history and attending company functions as part of a team. For now, I have a lot to learn and need to put my nose to the grindstone.”
Once you feel established, set up a luncheon or after-work drinks get-together with colleagues and invite your boss to join the gang. You can also share this policy with her – groups are okay, individual outings are not.
Three policies to follow when a superior is too friendly:
- Establish boundaries. This is a sensitive subject and you don’t want to offend her. Let your boss know your professional proprieties. Treat her like a boss.
- Limit chit-chat. Do not engage in personal banter. Say: “I am sorry to hear that” or “I am happy to hear that.”
- Attend business functions, maybe the odd drink;, but no concerts or performances.
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