Former British football player David Beckham talks with guests prior to a dinner celebrating American artist Jeff Koons exhibition titled Lost in America at Museum of Islamic Arts, in Doha, Qatar, on Nov. 20, 2021.Balkis Press/ABACA/The Canadian Press
About eight hours into a 12-hour flight is the point where you give up. Maybe you shouldn’t have had the beef? Maybe you’ll never land? Maybe you should watch David Beckham’s Qatar Stopover on YouTube?
Whenever one thinks of soccer’s biggest crossover star, “naturally garrulous” and “a winning way with commoners” do not leap to mind. Now that his legs have given out, Beckham’s only real talent is squinting provocatively. It’s hard to imagine anyone less suited to doing a Bourdain-esque travel show.
But a reported 250 million dollars from the Qatari government is a powerful incentive to try new things.
So here’s Beckham, looking badly out of place in high-waisted trousers and a full body sock of tattoos, sifting cumin alongside a Qatari chef. The chef is game, but she has the look of someone trying to figure out why they sent her shopping with a British sailor.
“I love to go to spice markets,” Beckham says in voiceover, sounding only a little like a man encountering the word “spice” paired with “market” for the first time ever. The look on his face says, “Is this the magical place where they make salt?”
Elsewhere, he applies his passion for service journalism to jewellery (“Tell me about pearl diving”) and the local art scene (“And there are a lot of young, talented artists in Qatar?”).
Everyone knows journalism is easy, but did everyone realize how lucrative it is? Nine figures for two, maybe three days of walking and smiling at the same time. And it’s not just remunerative – it’s also rewarding. The young, talented artists and such. Perhaps more people should give it a go.
Unfortunately, none of this is working out very well for our correspondent on the ground in Doha (or, at the very least, in sight of ground from a yacht).
Someone was always going to have to take the blame for putting the World Cup in Qatar. Since it’s no fun yelling at the interchangeable functionaries who make those decisions, that person would have to be a celebrity. Someone who feels pain when you prick them on TikTok.
Beckham probably already knows this from his vast network of Persian Gulf contacts, but we have breaking news out of Doha – it’s him. David Beckham is to blame for the World Cup.
“‘Hang his head in shame’: David Beckham’s billion-dollar dream turned him into Qatar’s ‘trained seal’”: //That’s a headline from the yellow end of the media spectrum.
“‘A gay icon no more’: Will Beckham’s Qatar role kill his brand?’”: //That’s another from the broadsheet side of things.
As grizzled pearl-diving correspondent David must know by now, whenever a newspaper asks a question in a headline, the answer is usually “yes,” and always the thing that’s worse for you.
On Saturday, FIFA president Gianni Infantino did his best to pip Beckham at the top of the unpopularity charts.
In prepared remarks to launch the tournament, Infantino, a fantastically powerful Swiss lawyer who currently lives in Qatar, tried sharing his pain with the world.
“Of course, I’m not Qatari, I am not an Arab, I am not an African, I am not gay, I am not disabled,” Infantino said. “But I feel like it, because I know what it means to be discriminated … As a child, I was bullied because I had red hair and freckles, plus I was Italian, so imagine.”
Yes. Imagine.
And then later: “If you need to criticize somebody, don’t criticize the players … You can crucify me. I’m here for that.”
Well, let’s give everyone a chance to pop out to the hardware store.
As wonderfully tone-deaf as Infantino might be, the World Cup is still not his fault. He’s not nearly glamorous enough.
People have forgotten a million clanger press conferences from top FIFA executives. Sepp Blatter’s thoughts on improving the reach of women’s football – “they could, for example, have tighter shorts” – remains a highlight. But they never forget it when an idol soils his hem.
No, it has to be Beckham’s fault.
Beckham did his worst to clear things up through another promotional video. This one was broadcast to delegates at a youth conference in Doha.
“Qatar dreamed of bringing the World Cup to a place it had never been before, but that it wouldn’t be enough just to achieve things on the pitch,” Beckham said with the deep commitment of a man who’s been up all night memorizing this boilerplate. “The pitch would be a platform for progress.”
I suppose that’s a flaccid attempt at taking a firm stand. Whoever wrote it must have just time-warped in from 2014. You used to be able to get away with things by saying words like “progress” and “diversity” over and over again.
But that doesn’t work any more. People are too keen to find fault. They’re willing to do the research. To get away with anything, you need a much slicker line and a much smoother deliveryman.
Beckham may believe that’s why Qatar dumped a boatload of money in his yard, but it isn’t. He’s about as effective a communicator as your average trout.
They paid him to deflect attention and absorb pressure. Someone needed to man the wicket where Europe could lodge its World Cup complaints. Beckham is the perfect person to man it. You can kick him from here to the next World Cup, and he’ll just keep smiling.
Will his reputation recover? I don’t know that he cares.
Would you take close to a quarter billion dollars to go from being A-list to B-plus? It’s not like people will be egging him in the streets. All he’s done is buff off the good-guy polish. When the deal’s over in 10 years, he can issue a public apology and, suckers that they are, some people will buy it.
All it costs him is a few days of his time, a few cringey videos and a bunch of dignity. It’s these sort of ethical accommodations that put you on FIFA’s radar.
Maybe in a few years, it’ll be Beckham sitting up on that podium talking about how he feels everyone else’s pain, and how they bullied him relentlessly for just trying to enjoy some of his favourite spice markets.
Foreign correspondent James Griffiths will be in Qatar reporting on the tournament, including how foreign fans are experiencing the World Cup. If you have a story and want to get in touch, e-mail James at jgriffiths@globeandmail.com.