Houston Rockets' Dillon Brooks reacts after a call against the Milwaukee Bucks on Dec. 17, 2023, in Milwaukee.Aaron Gash/The Associated Press
Each morning, my inbox fills with unsolicited betting advice.
Until fairly recently, this was a rare enough occurrence to make the content mildly interesting. ‘Yes, since you’re offering, please do tell me which manager in the National League East is most likely to be fired first.’
In 2023, that trickle became an electronic deluge. I now know everything about every betting line everywhere, and really wish I didn’t. I prefer to blow my money the traditional Canadian way, thank you very much – by refusing to give up on a variable mortgage.
This year, legalized betting became to Canadian sports what pot shops are to downtown Toronto – ubiquitous, though it’s hard to find someone who will admit to using the service.
I knew a lot more people who bragged about smoking weed, taking magic mushrooms and throwing a hunny away every weekend on an NFL parlay back when that was illegal, and therefore cool.
Now, aside from telling everyone you meet that you never saw the need to get a driver’s licence, it is the most yuppy thing you can do.
The one positive effect of all this betting talk is to remind people why they watch sports in the first place. Not for a result, but for a story.
Plenty of heroes in that regard. Here are a few of my outstanding winners in each category.
Negotiator of the Year
There is a comforting sameness to the end of each Leafs season. One day of garment rending. One day of promises of a better life to come. And on the third day, the body is laid to rest. This year, Leafs general manager Kyle Dubas threw in a couple of new bits. One day of telling everyone how hard it is to be paid millions of dollars to watch hockey, and one day of figuring out how to crash out of the cushiest gig in pro hockey. I get it. Everybody wants more control at work. But this was the Leafs. Short of forgetting to put out the aromatherapy candles in your office and burning down the Scotiabank Arena, there should not have been any way to be fired from this job.
American of the Year
When investor Todd Boehly won the auction to buy Chelsea Football Club, he arrived with a lot of ideas. Like, guys, just hear me out for a second. How about an all-star game? Or what about a tournament to figure out which teams get relegated?
When asked what he thought about Boehly’s suggestions, Liverpool manager Jurgen Klopp was enthusiastic: “Did he really say that?”
Todd Boehly, Chairman of Chelsea, at Stamford Bridge on April 18, 2023 in London, England.Clive Rose/Getty Images
Since then, Boehly’s blown a billion of Uncle Sam’s greenbacks on (largely useless) new players and Chelsea sit 10th in the Premier League table. A billion – that’s how much it costs to shut an American up.
Canadian of the Year
The sad truth is that we are nice people. Not super nice. Not like Midwesterner nice. But fine. Polite in a chilly way. So our athletes are this way as well – diffident, amenable, bland. But not Dillon Brooks. The Houston Rockets forward has some edge to him. He called LeBron James “old” in the playoffs while wearing welder’s goggles in the locker room. Overnight, that made him the boldest truth teller in the NBA.
Over the summer, he provided most of the swagger to a Canadian men’s team that qualified for an Olympic berth. I don’t know if Brooks is going to win anything in Paris, but he could do some serious damage to Canada’s reputation as the international equivalent of getting socks for your birthday.
Wingman of the Year
Travis Kelce I sort of get. He’s decent looking, good at his job, punching out of his league. But his brother, Jason Kelce, is a wonder to me. The other Kelce also plays pro football, but at the absolute least sexy position on the field – offensive lineman. Personal-style-wise, he’s rocking a sort of burly Unabomber thing. But such is the star-making power of Taylor Swift that Jason Kelce has become one of the most famous men in American sport. His secret? Being objectively smarter than his brother. Tough gig.
Sellout of the Year
Soccer stars have been selling out since Pele tried to convince people he really wanted to swap the beautiful game in Brazil for pass-punt-kick in the U.S.A. But no one’s ever leveraged it like Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s getting a reported US$200-million a year to go half-speed in the Saudi pro league. That’s six-million bucks per 90-minute game.
He leads the league lead in every important statistical measure, including looking bored most of the time. It isn’t very distinguished, but it does remind the kids out there to always remember what sports is really all about – tax-free bubbles.
Protestor of the Year
Few things are more delightful than flying to a big sporting event held halfway around the world to be scolded about recycling. Based on their own marketing, all sports are green now. Which is a little like saying all wars have passed rigorous safety protocols.
This past year, the one person in sports who could be taken even a little seriously on this score was teenage British runner Innes Fitzgerald. She turned down an opportunity to compete at a world championships because she would have had to fly there.
Maybe they should put her in charge of more green sporting initiatives, so that she could force all the zillionaire climate activists to start hitchhiking.
Zoomer of the Year
Back when he was playing, Tom Brady was a 40-something man in a 30-something body. As soon as he retired, he became a 40-something man with a teenager’s list of priorities.
Former New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady raises his arms during the halftime ceremony of the game against the Philadelphia Eagles, on Sept. 10, 2023, in Foxborough, Mass.Greg M. Cooper/The Associated Press
Based on the paparazzi record, all this guy does now is go to parties, post selfies to Instagram and sneak out of people’s apartments the next morning. I get that elite athletes have to give up their childhood, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that they should re-embrace it when they’re pushing 50. Never has someone so rich been so badly in need of a job.
Sportsman of the Year
The 2023 Super Bowl turned on a pass interference call late in the game. Since nobody knows what pass interference is, this was red meat for the talk radio set. The Eagles wuz robbed! But then the man who’d been penalized, Philadelphia cornerback James Bradberry, admitted he’d done it. Professional sports has become such a dignity-free zone, this simple act of truth telling prompted almost no reaction at all. People had no idea what to do with an athlete so determined to shut down the news cycle.
Sports TV Event of the Year
Until the stars of the Canadian women’s soccer team arrived on Parliament Hill to take questions about pay equity, I didn’t realize ParlVu existed. Are you telling me that anyone with an internet connection can spend all day watching the gears of the state turn? Live and in non-surround sound? What a fascinating modern age we live in.
Then you spent that one whole day watching politicians pretend to understand soccer, soccer players pretend to get politics and found yourself only briefly losing consciousness every 15 minutes or so.
Democracy – it may not be entertaining, but it’s still better than CBC Gem.
Employer of the Year
Speaking of Canada Soccer, it really is the best and worst of times for the people who run that basketcase organization. On the one hand, they are making World Cups. People recognize the players. They’re even going to the games. This is light years from where the sport was in this country a decade ago.
On the other hand, they can’t stop fighting about money. They can’t keep a coach, or corral the players, or figure out how to negotiate. Good luck to anyone in charge over there going forward. Upon arrival at headquarters, please note that your board chair also functions as an ejector seat.
Mass Hysteria of the Year
If anyone wants to get control of the world’s greatest reserve of natural resources, now they know. Plant a couple of stories on X that Lionel Messi is nearing a deal to play for Atletico Ottawa or the Vancouver Whitecaps. Then say that he’s been spotted getting on a plane in Singapore that will be landing in Toronto in 18 hours.
While everyone in the country is online, high-fiving each other about Canada finally making it, our entire news media will gather outside a fence at the private jet terminal at Pearson. No one will notice as the invading army crosses the Ambassador Bridge and takes over the Windsor Post Office.
In fact, the only way they’re ever going to notice is if the Post Office becomes at least as efficient as PenguinPickUp.
Pritzker of the Year
Some teams win on the field. The Toronto Blue Jays win with architecture. Sure, they’ve put a twitchy chatbot in charge of the roster decisions and can’t sign a single player no matter how much money they offer, but get a load of those Rogers Centre renovations.
The Jays know what real ball fans want – state-of-the-art clubhouses made with fibre-reinforced concrete, now with 30-per-cent more square footage to host wild-card clinching champagne celebrations.
It’s the little things that matter, especially if you aren’t offering any big things.
HR Own Goal of the Year
The media love to lash sports teams for playing it safe. Mike Babcock is the reason they do that. Babcock’s career was done until the Columbus Blue Jackets had the outside-the-box idea to hire him as their new coach.
Mike Babcock speaks to the media during an introductory press conference on July 1, 2023, in Columbus, Ohio.The Canadian Press
Having gotten fired in Toronto for being too controlling (but actually for the more serious sin of losing), Babcock was back to his old tricks. Let’s face it – it’s the most interesting thing that’s happened in the NHL this year. More teams should hire Babcock. Maybe they’ll catch him sifting through the players’ recycling.
The surprise in this was not that grown men were cowed into letting the boss look through their private photos. It was that there are at least a few professional athletes who only have one phone.
Prognosticator of the Year
Me. In late November, I wrote a column rubbishing Leafs forward Mitch Marner after he’d been dumped to the second line. The next night, he scored a hat trick and the overtime winner.
One subscriber, Garth, wrote in with words of support: “I’m writing to see if it would be possible to get an early head’s up on when you will be writing your next column on Mitch Marner? It would need to be prior to the column being released as the betting agencies will have adjusted their lines on the next Maple Leaf game immediately after publication.”
Like Alec Guinness said, you tread heavily, Garth, but you speak the truth.