Not coming soon to your local wireless store: the iPhone - Canadian media and telecommunications edition.
Rogers Cable app
Turns your iPhone into a megaphone, which you can use to complain at high volume about a 'TV tax.' Whine that this will cause cable fees to rise - but then jack up fees anyway. Interactive version allows your friends to rate you on the hypocrisy-meter.
Price: Goes up every year.
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CanWest Online Auction app
Download and use it to make offers for prime assets of Canada's biggest media company: Showcase, HGTV, Food Network, Calgary Herald. All proceeds to CanWest creditors.
Price: Half of what CanWest paid.
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Private Broadcasting app
Interactive game puts you in the shoes of an exec at CTV or Global. Travel virtually to Hollywood, outbid your opponent for schlock American reality shows, watch the losses pile up. Then go cap-in-hand to Ottawa.
Price: 50 cents per month, or as much as the CRTC will grant.
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CBC app
Get the latest news from your public broadcaster. Or at least watch Peter Mansbridge attempt to deliver it without using a chair. A drug-free solution to insomnia.
Price: About $34 per Canadian, whether you want it or not.
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Bell app
Compare mobile services using Bell's website.
Price: Free.
* * LONG DISTANCE CHARGES, LOCAL AIRTIME FEES, FEES, TEXT MESSAGING FEES AND CONSUMPTION-OF-OXYGEN CHARGES WILL APPLY.
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Globalive app
Want to be the next Ted Rogers? Here's your chance to go broke trying. (Must enter a valid Canadian passport number to download.)
Price: $442-million.
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Local television app
Become a TV magnate - cheap! - in your own hometown, if it's a place like Red Deer, Brandon, or Wingham. Includes building, equipment and a few dozen remaining viewers.
Price: $1each or three stations for $2.
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Jim Shaw app
Transforms your iPhone into a real light sabre with which you can vanquish the real Evil Empire - broadcast networks. And anyone else who gets in your way.
Price: $3.99.
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Konrad von Finckenstein game
Win or lose, it always ends the same -- with the angry CRTC chairman turning beet-red as steam pours from his ears.
Price: Your eardrums.
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Ontario Teachers dancing video - Premium edition
Contains never-before-seen footage of Teachers CEO Jim Leech doing a jig on the day his debt-fuelled BCE takeover deal went down in flames.
Price: $42.75
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Twitter app
Share every banal aspect of your day with friends, strangers and stalkers, in characters or less. Hmmm, should I have a multigrain bagel, or sesame seed? Price: Your sanity.
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Jim Balsillie utility
Magically turns smart phone revenues into the cash to make futile bids for failing professional hockey teams. Price: Not enough to satisfy Gary Bettman.