A friend who is a stepmother recently asked how many hours a day I play with my kids – the youngest is 9. I said zero, which floored her. I explained that my kids and I spend a lot of time in each other’s presence, but that we mostly do our own things. Occasionally, our activities overlap, but generally, I expect them to play independently. It was the same when they were younger.
The woman was shocked. She had been dedicating more than two hours after work each day to playing actively with her six-year-old stepchild and seemed worn out by it. I told her to keep going if she enjoyed it, but that it was not a parental requirement, by any means.
In recent decades, we have expanded the definition of a parent’s role to include that of personal entertainer. Parents are expected not only to be responsible for their child’s physical and emotional well-being – including nutrition, discipline, socialization and education – but also to be an on-demand playmate.
According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, mothers now spend 40-per-cent more time on primary childcare – which includes playing, interacting, providing physical care and attending extracurricular events – than they did in 1985, increasing to 11.8 hours from 8.4 hours a week. Among fathers, there has been a 154-per-cent increase, to 6.6 hours in 2022 from 2.6 hours in 1985.
This shift was first identified in the 1950s by sociologist Martha Wolfenstein. She described a new “fun morality” – entertaining one’s own children and preventing boredom – that was added to the list of parental duties. The adoption of this mentality coincided with a population shift to suburban and car-dependent areas, often with isolated backyards instead of communal streets. It became even harder for children to find playmates, adding pressure on parents to fill that social void.
For many adults, entertaining children is not a natural or instinctive state, though some may genuinely love it. I sensed this as a teenager when I was paid to babysit other people’s children. I spent hours playing dress-up, Lego and hide-and-seek, thinking, “I can never be a parent if it means doing this every day.” What I have learned since then is that parenting does not have to be like that.
A parent can fill their non-work hours with daily tasks such as shopping, cooking, cleaning, exercising or even just relaxing and visiting with friends, and a child can simply tag along. Often, the child is entertained by what is happening around them, while also seeing how much work goes into running a household. When they get bored, they can go play on their own, and perhaps feel comforted by the parent’s presence nearby.
Independent play is a muscle that needs to be developed, practised and maintained. It gets easier over time. Kids have an amazing capacity to find things to do. In fact, they may need space apart from adults to pursue their curiosity. Solitude, even boredom, is an important ingredient in sparking creativity. When an adult participates in a game, it changes the experience. Play can become more performative, and a child might feel more self-conscious about creating imaginary worlds.
I used to feel guilty, wondering why I dreaded being asked to play trains or “house” or “tea party,” but then I talked to dozens of other parents who admitted that they shared my aversion to playtime. I read books about European parenting styles, which have clearer boundaries between what adults will and will not do with their kids. The classic stereotype is French mothers sipping wine while their children play close by. My new ideal has become the “lifeguard” parent, who is available for emergencies but does not intervene otherwise.
There are many other wonderful ways to engage with children. Ask them to help you with a task, which teaches practical skills and offers a sense of satisfaction. You can tell them that your idea of play is different – for instance, sitting in a chair with a book and a cup of tea – and invite them to join you. Offer to sit nearby, so that they don’t feel alone.
Find things you enjoy doing together. I love reading aloud to my kids before bed, so that’s a special time for all of us. We share dinner every night and go hiking on weekends. We have spontaneous kitchen dance parties, wrestle on the living room floor and embark on ambitious baking projects.
But when they ask me to play, I draw a line, kindly and firmly. I tell them I do many other things for them – including giving them siblings, a.k.a. built-in playmates – but playing is not in my job description. I say, “You’ll figure something out,” and they always do.
Katherine Johnson Martinko is a Canadian writer and the author of the 2023 book Childhood Unplugged: Practical Advice to Get Kids Off Screens and Find Balance. She writes about digital minimalism, parenting and technology in her e-mail newsletter, The Analog Family.