Any woman who has ever been kissed on the mouth without consent (possibly every woman reading this right now) understands how disconcerting it can be. You can probably also relate to the whirling confusion of the moment – even if you haven’t just won a world championship in front of millions of people.
It’s weird, awkward, gross. But you might not say anything. You might keep smiling, thank the guy for a great night. You might not even think of it as an invasion until after the dust has settled.
Or maybe it hits you right away.
That kiss that Spanish soccer federation president Luis Rubiales planted on player Jennifer Hermoso after Spain’s women’s team defeated England 1-0 to win the World Cup was obviously not consensual.
But it was a whirlwind, right? A gesture of affection in a moment of triumph.
In fact, I felt he kissed many members of the squad with inappropriate intimacy at that trophy ceremony. This was wrong and cannot be justified by the euphoria of the victory.
At the same time, it is tempting to read some of the language around the response as hyperbolic. The unwanted kiss has been called “shameful,” “disgraceful,” even a “national monstrosity.”
Further, Mr. Rubiales, who has been suspended and is now under investigation, could face up to four years in prison for sexual aggression if he is charged and convicted.
It was just a kiss! In a moment of probably unprecedented elation, right? And you know how those Europeans are; they’re always kissing each other. Hello, goodbye, we won the World Cup.
Mr. Rubiales, baffled at the outcry, has refused to step down. Addressing a general assembly of the Spanish football federation, he repeated again and again that he would not resign. He called himself a victim of “social assassination” – “they are trying to kill me,” he said.
Rather than admit wrongdoing and apologize for ruining what should have been the biggest moment of these women’s lives (not to mention the country’s), he dug in. He called the uproar “false feminism.”
Mr. Rubiales does not get to make that call.
There is context to consider. Shortly before the offending kiss, Mr. Rubiales performed an obscene gesture from the VIP box in the stands, grabbing his crotch. It was meant to be a message to team coach Jorge Vilda, he has since explained, that it was Mr. Vilda’s victory – not Mr. Rubiales’s.
The crotch-grab speaks volumes. Here a group of women have become world champions and this is what the guy does? This was toxic masculinity on full display.
But of course there’s more to it. In the context of sexism and gender inequality in soccer, rampant in Spain (and elsewhere, including Canada, where the national women’s team has been fighting for equality), this has become a breakthrough moment. Enough.
Even if you think, “oh, it’s just a kiss; not a big deal,” it is imperative to listen to its recipient.
Ms. Hermoso says she “didn’t like it” and disputes Mr. Rubiales’s claim that she consented. She says she felt “vulnerable” and like she was a “victim of aggression.” In a statement, her teammates expressed “strong and firm condemnation of behaviours that have undermined the dignity of women.”
As an adolescent, I used to watch the game show Family Feud when it was hosted by Richard Dawson. As much as I liked the show, I felt awkward when he interacted with the female contestants, because he kissed every one of them on the lips. Creepy as it was, nobody said a peep, as far as I could tell, because it kept happening.
You can argue that it was a different time, but no. I was 10 years old and I knew it was not okay. What message did those creepy kisses send to me and all the other young Gen X-ers watching? That even if we think it’s not okay, we’re wrong? It’s actually just fine? Look, it’s happening on television, again and again.
Now FIFA, Ms. Hermoso and her teammates are sending their own message to all the people following along – girls, boys, everyone else – that this kind of behaviour is offside, period. As their signs say: “it’s over.”
How dare he? Do it in the first place. Not own up to it. Try to blame her. Not realize what he has done. Keep sending that message to everyone watching. We have the right to do this to you.
Ms. Hermoso, in what should have been one of the best moments of her life, has been burdened with this taint on her experience of glory. Yes, it is shameful.