“Defeat is not an option” is what Mayor John Tory soberly intoned last year, when declaring war on “Raccoon Nation.” Toronto introduced new raccoon-proof green bins then. But, in true raccoon fashion, one more urban obstacle hasn’t lessened the will of this rogue nation to do whatever it damn well pleases. While there was never a set timeline for winning this battle, recent raccoon activity shows we are far from victory. Don’t let headlines fool you: Their propaganda game is strong, having tricked humans into using soft language like “cute,” “ingenious” or “eat that doughnut!”
Here, a rundown of recent disreputable raccoons – and what really happened.
Subway raccoon
The story: This week, a raccoon was spotted trying to ride the TTC, entering a southbound subway train at Spadina station for a moment before running off into a tunnel.
The reaction: “Raccoon gets free Metropass!” – @Carlnandez
What really happened: He was forced to ride public transit after being banned from Uber – shredding the leather upholstery in the back of a Mercedes is one way to earn a one-star rating.
Dead raccoon redux
The story: A raccoon and his dead companion (cause of death unknown) were seen roadside on St. Clair Avenue West. In a video that surfaced this week, the surviving critter can be heard wailing at his friend’s side.
The reaction: “Trash pandas have feelings too :(” – @vranieri
What really happened: Friend or foe? The survivor is the main suspect in the death of 2015’s most notorious raccoon, a.k.a. #DeadRaccoonTO, and will be the subject of a new 10-part documentary on Netflix.
Doughnut raccoon
The story: Just before the new year, a raccoon dropped from the ceiling of a local coffee shop and eventually helped himself to a free doughnut.
The reaction: “He is doing it. Yes! … This is incredible,” says a voice in the video.
What really happened: A diabetic raccoon clearly not following his doctor’s orders.
Raccoon I saw while out walking the dog
The story: He jumped out from behind a bush to menace me, my fiancée and our seven-pound terrier, Panda, before sauntering off.
The reaction: “Oh my god, he’s going to eat Panda.” – me
What really happened: A warning. The trash pandas were not pleased with our canine imposter.
Raccoon that got picked up
The story: Raccoons are picked up by the city everyday for uncivil behaviour – news Raccoon Nation would rather stay buried.
The reaction: “Big, dumb raccoon in our backyard for the past two hours. Seems dazed and a bit lethargic, but not foamy. Should I call Animal Services?” – @meganmcchesney
What really happened: He was picked up. A diabetic raccoon clearly not following his doctor’s orders.
Rabies raccoon
The story: There have been 33 confirmed reports of rabid raccoons in the Hamilton area, the first such cases in the province since 2005.
The reaction: “Since the cases of raccoon rabies have been coming out, I’ve been terrified walking at night. Yes, the raccoons in Hamilton. I KNOW.” – @liavolpella
What really happened: That’s the whole story. They have rabies. Spread the word.