As bars in the city gear up for the biggest party night of the year - New Year's Eve - you can bet there will be a raft of reinvented martinis to serve your getting-wasted needs. Here are a few that will not be among them.
Condotini
Five parts gin, one part dry vermouth, served in your condo. What's that, you don't own a condo? Are you sure you live in
Toronto?
Proteini
A mélange of smoked salmon, fried chicken and hamburger blended into vodka, garnished with a fish eyeball. Previously, the proteini was made with five parts soy milk mixed with one part gin, garnished with a block of herbed tofu on a toothpick. This was changed after recent reports showed that consuming too much soy is like eating birth-control pills. And, let's face it, just as bland.
Mitchell Reportini
This little-known recipe was published as an appendix to George Mitchell's recent report on doping in Major League Baseball. Mix together gin, vermouth, and um ... just a little bit of human growth hormone. I've sampled this drink exactly twice, and it was only because I was getting over a case of carpal-tunnel syndrome after a particularly intense week of writing. Come on, cut me some slack!
Fantini
In honour of former Toronto police chief Julian Fantino's crackdown on excessive speeding, this cocktail is just your average boring martini, served straight up. But it'll cost you between $2,000 and $10,000, and any martini glasses you happen to own will be impounded for a week.
Millertini
Concocted on behalf of our mayor, this drink - sponsored by MasterCard - is coloured TTC red in celebration of the province's recent $100-million contribution to next year's transit budget. Either that, or it's symbolic of the blood in the water following opposition attacks on Mayor David Miller's spending habits. Improved infrastructure? Bah humbug, they say.