BAZAAR
Cover girl A simple, pretty Lindsay Lohan.
Pages 512
Weight 2 pounds
Pages until first article 145
Big number "976 new looks"
Serious 'issue' story It's a tie between an article on female rivalry by Philippa Gregory, author of The Other Boleyn Girl, and a piece on how to cope with the rising costs of high fashion.
Best fashion spread Hands down, it's The Hills are Alive, a 14-page spread in which a model wears the fashions of the season while recreating your favourite scenes from The Sound of Music.
Quote on florals "Once upon a time, big floral blooms belonged strictly to loud fashion moments that are best forgotten."
Victoria Beckham ad Posh emerges from a box as a sort of couture bat-woman, holding layers of a black and white crinoline skirt up around her. A halo sits atop her hair. Only for Marc Jacobs, of course.
Last page Six things that are in and out now. The No. 1 in thing: one-shoulder dresses. The No. 1 out thing: plunging V-neck gowns.
*****
FASHION
Cover girl A model with way too much glitter on her eyes.
Pages 210
Weight A mere 15 ounces
Pages until first article 45
Big number "455 sexy spring looks"
Serious 'issue' story An uplifting tale of how microloans that go directly to entrepreneurs are having a huge effect in developing nations.
Best fashion spread On the Hunt showcases the "modern safari style" trend on an uberglam model (big hair, bright lips) in the desert.
Quote on florals "Nicolas Ghesquière encompassed it best with his moulded scuba-suit shoulders, splashing retro florals ... on stiff neoprene-esque frocks."
Victoria Beckham ad Not one. I guess she's too good for Canadian magazines.
Last page Thoughts on life from Christopher Bailey, Burberry's creative director. He loves the smells of Yorkshire pudding, daffodils and cow manure. "It takes me home."
*****
VOGUE
Cover girl A warped Drew Barrymore. What did they do to her face?
Pages 660
Weight 3 pounds
Pages until first article 298
Big number "660 pages," making it the biggest Vogue spring fashion issue ever
Serious 'issue' story The Power Crisis looks at the legacy left by Benazir Bhutto.
Best fashion spread Hollywoodland, which features the gratuitous use of dogs, a kitten and a baby. Was a politician on set?
Quote on florals "The battle between literal buds and more abstract expressions of the season's brilliant florals begins here."
Victoria Beckham ad That wacky bat-girl ad again.
Last page More praise for Balenciaga. This time, the focus is on the label's Impressionist-inspired hand-painted Cherche-Midi python handbag, price tag, $7,950.
*****
IN STYLE
Cover girl Eva Longoria with pursed lips and closed-off body language.
Pages 482
Weight 1 pound, 15 ounces
Pages until first article 71
Big number "Over 40 pages of beauty tips"
Serious 'issue' story Know it All: Shampoo. Four pages are devoted to solving the mysteries of hair suds, from whether organic shampoo really works to what brand Fergie uses on her tresses.
Best fashion spread Calling the few shots of Pharrell Williams a "fashion spread" is using the term loosely, but it's the closest thing this issue has, and he's so darned pretty we say it counts.
Quote on florals "Spring clothes run riot through the hothouse in floral prints that radiate like explosions of wonder."
Victoria Beckham ad Posh and hubby David look sultry and nude in an advertisement for their "seductive" his and her scents, Intimately Beckham.
Last page The guilty pleasures of Grey's Anatomy star Eric Dane, which include Crème de la Mer, Elvis and Nutella.
*****
ELLE
Cover girl Amy Adams, with a strangely misshapen face.
Pages 544
Weight 2 pounds, 6 ounces
Pages until first article 180Big number "570+ of spring's freshest looks"
Serious 'issue' story A look at the relationship between also-ran Dennis Kucinich and his hot, younger wife, Elizabeth. How's this for a scene setter: "Dennis walks straight to the booth and slips his tongue down her throat."
Best fashion spread White Sands: The spread on white, a hot shade for the season, features a nurse, a bride and a girl in a Minnie Mouse helmet roaming, once again, the desert.
Quote on florals "Whimsical watercolours for spring are right on the Monet."
Victoria Beckham ad Posh wears lacy sunglasses and some sort of plant-like beanie for Marc Jacobs.
Last page An interview with The Office star Rainn Wilson, in which he reveals: "I do try to kill something for my wife every year, just to reconnect with my caveman roots."
*****
W
Cover girl A vampy duo: Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman.
Pages 492
Weight 2 pounds 8 ounces
Pages until first article 218
Big number "A 603-carat diamond"
Serious 'issue' story A look into the causes of and solutions to "unexplained infertility," a label that is applied to as many as 30 per cent of couples who can't conceive.
Best fashion spread Pinup is pages and pages and pages of hot models wearing dubious outfits in extremely compromising positions, such as lounging on the carpet by a wall socket.
Quote on florals Not one! What kind of fashion magazine is this?
Victoria Beckham ad In another Marc Jacobs spot, Posh sports faux black bangs, a large black bag and sinewy arms.
Last page A rant about the American medical system by Louise J. Esterhazy that makes things up here seem A-okay.