Should I tell my friend I think her boyfriend treats her badly?

The question

I've known my friend Alice since high school, when we were best buddies. She's been through a rough time in the past five years. She has mental-health issues and is unable to work. She has, however, told me that she's found the love of her life.

The problem is he is really mean to her. Practically every time she speaks, he attacks what she says in a tone of voice that says he thinks she's a real idiot. He's very condescending to her. I don't hang out with them often (they live in another town), but they were saying they might visit over the holidays.

My husband says he doesn't want them to visit, he feels bad that this guy treats my friend so shoddily.

Question: Should I tell my friend I think her boyfriend treats her badly? I'm not sure she realizes! I'm not at all sure how to broach the issue. Would it change anything? I think she's quite dependent on him financially so it makes things tough.

The answer

Approach with caution.

There might be a whole Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? thing going on there.

(Remember that 1962 film? Bette Davis as Jane tortures her wheelchair-bound sister, Blanche, played by Joan Crawford, cuts her off from the world, disconnects her phone, kills her parakeet and serves it to her for dinner, and various other spine-tingling horrors.)

In other words, what is known as an "emotionally abusive" relationship. In which case, I think you need to get the proper authorities and appropriate agencies involved, perhaps starting with her family doctor or a counsellor specializing in these issues.

But let's step back for a moment and speculate that it's a more garden-variety type of situation, which I see all the time: spouses drifting into that Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?-type territory where they zing/insult each other and hang out dirty laundry in front of other people.

Also not so wonderful. I think there are a couple of factors at play in this phenomenon.

Whenever one member of a married couple openly zings the other, my first thought is always: "Wow, that person has grown so accustomed to treating his/her spouse poorly that he/she doesn't even know he/she is doing it any more."

Secondly, I think what often happens when a married couple enters a social situation is they know each other better than they know anyone else, so are tempted to get laughs/score sympathy points from the crowd by zinging their spouse.

Also not a good look, in my view.

Everyone has a right to be treated with respect, both in private and in public. Speaking of which, I think you should say to your husband: "I respect your opinion that you don't want them over, but with all due respect I respectfully disagree."

If your friend is indeed being treated shoddily/shabbily, the ticket, I think, is not, as your husband appears to be suggesting, to turn your back on her. Quite the opposite. Have her over. Observe the dynamic. Gather information. Get a sense, from an up-close-and-personal viewpoint, of the seriousness of the situation.

If you conclude she indeed is being treated shoddily/shabbily, you should absolutely say something to her.

The situation is complicated by two factors: her mental health and financial dependence. She may see no way out of this relationship.

Now, I don't want to trivialize it or be too jokey here. If she is indeed in an "emotionally abusive" relationship, as I say, you should get the authorities/experts involved.

But for now, I would suggest: Approach her circumspectly. Ask her how it's going. If she just shrugs and says "fine," maybe gently probe a little deeper.

This goes against one of the central tenets of Damage Control, which we call the Proctologist's Code, named after a statement a friend of mine heard a proctologist utter at a party once: "I find when I come across an inflamed area, it never pays to probe too deeply."

Normally, that's my across-the-board advice but hey: Rules were made to be broken.

If she does express concern or fear, explain that if needs be she always has an out, she can crash on your couch/in your spare room while she figures things out. Recommend any one of a number of places where she can go or just talk to people who can help her.

If she tells you to buzz off, or that you're overthinking the whole thing, fine. At least you gave it a shot. But certainly, in the meantime, I think it's your civic duty every time this guy zings her to zing him back. To push back. To show him in your eyes, and the eyes of society, the way he treats her is not cool.

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