The question
My husband is not a particularly romantic guy. Me? I like to do it up for Valentine's Day. Every year, I get him something special, and kind of make a big deal about the whole thing. I have dropped many hints over the years that I think it would be nice if he rose to the occasion as well. We've been married 20 years. I know he loves me, and it's not that he doesn't acknowledge it at all: I usually cook and he will make me dinner on Valentine's Day, so it's hard for me to express any dissatisfaction. But, in my heart of hearts, I wish that he would be more demonstrative – not just on Valentine's but in general. Really show me he loves me rather than just saying so. Should I just come out and say something to him this year, or should I stay the course and say to myself "That's just the way he is"?
The answer
You've come to the right place if you want to talk about husbands who crap out on Valentine's Day.
My wife, Pam, and I had a whole romantic getaway for two to an "all-inclusive" resort in Cuba planned this week – but then an unavoidable work commitment came up for me and I had to bail!
So she's going by herself (the tickets were non-refundable and non-transferrable, both of which are policies that suck and should change, I feel). On Valentine's Day, she'll be there, in Cuba, by herself, in a reclining chair, in a bikini, wearing her new "naughty librarian" reading glasses and reading War and Peace.
(Literally, not figuratively: She decided to tackle this massive tome on her holiday and ordered it online. Good luck, darling! The thing is like a foot thick, with tiny print.)
It's killing me I can't be by her side. And: What kind of husband am I, on Valentine's Day?
Friends attempting to console me have said: "Ah, it's just a made up holiday" and/or "Hallmark holiday."
(But that appears to be a bit of a canard: In fact, Valentine's Day may have its roots in ancient Roman times and people may have exchanged cards as early as the Middle Ages. Hallmark just capitalized on the situation and started mass-producing them around the beginning of the 20th century.)
More waggish friends have said, in effect: "She gets a) a break from you, b) a seaside holiday, while you stay home and labour to earn extra shekels and look after the kids? Best Valentine's present ever!"
In any case, it doesn't matter. To me, it's not grandiose gestures, but the day-to-day stuff that matters. You say you know your husband loves you, but don't provide details, so allow me:
My wife doesn't like me putting ice cube trays back in the fridge with only one or two cubes, so I make an effort not to.
She likes the kitchen clean when she gets home, so I make an effort to ensure that it is.
She snores. It can be like a rusty buzzsaw cutting through sheet metal. The windows practically rattle in their frames. But I love her, so I make an effort to deal with it (I've bought earplugs, among other strategies).
See the common thread here? The phrase "make an effort." I think as long as your husband makes an effort on a day-to-day basis, I don't think you need the big gestures on calendar holidays, whether recently made up or with ancient roots.
I guess it's sort of the Fiddler on the Roof approach to love:
"Do I love him? For 25 years I've lived with him, fought him, starved with him. Twenty-five years my bed is his. If that's not love what is?"
You've only been with your husband 20 years (Punk! Newbie! Greenhorn! Like Fiddler on the Roof's Tevye and Golde, Pam and I have been together 25). But the principle is the same: Does he respect you on a day-to-day basis? Does he try to make peace when you fight? Does he do little things for you, like bring you a cup of coffee in the morning?
(Which, ladies, I do for Pam every morning: columnist smiles, light twinkling off one of his bicuspids.)
Little stuff like that. The everyday stuff. Because, IMHO, if that's not love, what is? And everyone who has love, especially around this time of year, should thank their lucky stars for that blessing.
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