The question
We are a late 20s/early 30s gay couple living in our downtown condo for about 2 1/2 years. Our landlord's daughter and her husband live down the hall, three units away. When we first moved in, we invited them over for tea but they never responded. Whenever we are in the halls or elevators, they don't respond to our hellos/good mornings and avoid eye contact. We don't think we've done anything to receive such cold responses for the last 2 1/2 years. We want to be on good terms with this neighbour because her father is our landlord. What can we do to help this relationship? All the other neighbours on our floor are no problem. What about hosting a small party and inviting all the neighbours to get to know each other?
The answer
I certainly understand where you're coming from.
My wife and kids and I have been in our current domicile for 18 years. On one side, we've had the same neighbours the whole time. On the other side, I think we've had four or maybe five.
Some have been delightful (such as our current ones). Some annoying and aggressive.
So, fine: I, David Eddie, advice columnist, have attempted to rise above it all and take the high road and do the right thing so I can lead by example and not always have to tell all you fine people: "Do as I say not as I do."
But I think the iteration of neighbours most difficult to handle were the "cold neighbours."
They weren't hostile, per se. In fact, they were friendly in a way. On their second day after moving in, the wife came over with a bottle of wine (happened to be my favourite: Chateau Timberlay). And I thought: "What a delightful gesture, to butter us up with a bottle of wine so we feel all welcoming toward them."
But no: She just wanted to know if we had a corkscrew.
And that set the tone for our interactions. They never said hi. The husband, smoking, would stand on his porch, never greet us, simply stare through us as we walked past.
It drove my wife to the brink of madness. (I am employing hyperbole here: let's just say she was upset.) It pushed her buttons. She would stomp around in her boots (rather sexily, if I may say so) as she expostulated: "I wanna move! I'm gonna confront them! I'm gonna freak out on them!"
What she didn't understand, I felt, about the whole transaction/interaction was that it was a symptom of the gentrification of our neighbourhood. They had descended on our formerly scruffy area from a wealthier part of town, and we were like "the help" to them, and thus invisible.
"Sweetheart," I'd patiently explain to her, "it'd be like the dishwasher freaking out on them at a restaurant. They'd just be all like: 'Why's the dishwasher acting so weird?'"
My point is, their lack of interest in us didn't really bother me. My natural misanthropy (probably not what you want to hear from an advice columnist, but anyway) kicked in and I thought: "The hell with them."
It's a liberating thought and one that different people are blessed with at different times in life but in my view is an essential component of growing up: "Not everyone has to like you."
And not everyone will. Now, I don't know what your cold neighbour's damage is – maybe homophobia, who knows – but is it so important that everyone like you?
Of course, you could invite them over. It's a nice idea and I'm never going to be the guy to attempt to dissuade anyone from that. Anyone you can turn into a potential ally is someone who could offer you a job, an inside scoop on an apartment coming available – and I'm all for that kind of stuff, especially if we're talking about your landlord's offspring.
But you could also make matters worse. Say you invite them and they snub you, like they did before.
Or drop in and criticize your fixtures. I've had this happen: a neighbour who came over and said: "Were those fixtures … your first choice?"
Or check it out: I had a neighbour come over who fed half of a cheeseburger I cooked for him to his dog.
It's a sad thing to say, and I'm sorry to be the one saying it, but not everyone in this life is worthy of your time and attention and energy.
Sure, try to befriend them. But if it doesn't work out, consider expending your time and energy on people who actually deserve it, and when you see these stony-staring, non-hello-or-invite-returning neighbours in the elevator or wherever, just ignore them. Don't even look up from your phone.
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