The question
My mother moved to the southern United States 25 years ago. Unfortunately, her Canadian roots and Prairie values have disintegrated in the desert heat. She refuses to come visit her grandkids, because it's "too cold" in Vancouver (even in summer). I've had to remove her as a Facebook friend because she frequently posts fake news, racist rants and pro-Trump propaganda. She won't pick up the phone to call and have an actual conversation, yet sends random text messages asking my opinion about mundane things in her life; sharing random stories about people I don't know; or pictures of her partying (I'm not kidding, even though she's 72). I have been ghosting her since Donald Trump got elected and she was elated. Is it okay that I don't want her in my life? Do I owe her a conversation to explain?
The answer
It's interesting you should ask. This whole area of inquiry – the question of speaking one's piece – has been much on my mind lately.
Why say your piece, one sometimes wonders. Why opine, in general, at all?
Why do people feel the need to air their views?
Answer: because they do. I aired some views at a dinner party recently, got a little pushback, but then thought, "Oh well, should be fine. Hey, let's all agree to disagree, right?"
But then, tossing and turning, at, let's say, 4 a.m., I looked over and there were a pair of hazel eyes (my wife's, before you ask), glittering in the crepuscular semi-darkness.
"What?"
"What do you mean 'what'? What were you thinking?"
Oh, I offended Her Royal Highness, the Dinner Party Guest I was talking to.… Anyway, the point – the ultimate point, bottom-line point – is that we should truly all agree to disagree.
I have a lot of pro-Trump relatives in the (rural) United States right now.
I even know of marriages where political disagreement has caused matrimonial disharmony: "I love Trump." "I want a divorce."
But do we really want to go there, as a people, as a society? All the way there?
I've said this before, and I suppose I've said it a lot, but a mother is a holy thing.
Maybe you don't see eye-to-eye politically. Maybe – you've hinted this – she's a bit of a narcissist. Maybe she's a bit of a party animal. Maybe, as you seem to be suggesting, she could be a better grandmother.
Still! She gave you life. You were gestated in her womb. You owe her more than "a conversation to explain." You owe her your very existence! Okay. Let's switch (sort of) topics. You casually, almost in passing, mention "racist rants."
But that's not a trifling, or footling, matter. That, I feel, you should push back on. Easier said than done, I know.
I had a cousin, best friend of my youth, who in the fullness of time grew up to be a racist.
This was a guy who I used to play "spies" with as kids. We would scamper around, leap behind bushes, tuck and roll, and generally pretend we were some sort of James Bond-type superheroes.
We reconnected in our 30s and suddenly he has these weird opinions, he's throwing around words that are making me cringe. Finally, I realized: I had to say something. "Fred [not his real name], I'm not comfortable with [those comments]."
Same with your mother. Look, I get, almost more than anyone, that family can be annoying (not because mine is: because I'm an advice columnist and get so many "my family is annoying" questions).
But what's wonderful about family is also what's difficult: You're stuck with them. Your mother is your mother for better or worse, racist or not.…
And here's the good news: You can still help her. You can still educate her. We grow and we grow and we should keep on growing until the day we die. (At which point we push up daisies, so at least something is growing.)
So: Yes, in a way, it's "okay," of course, that you "don't want her in your life." But no, in effect I don't think you should leave it there.
It might be fraught. It might be difficult. But since you ask, I think you should do everything in your power to maintain your relationship with your mother, no matter how annoying and difficult and problematic that relationship might be, and no matter how much you might disagree with her politically.
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