The question
I'm having a difficult time with a friend of 40 years. She turns every conversation around to talk about herself. Occasionally she may ask me how I'm doing, but within a minute of my response, she has turned the attention back to her. I just don't feel that the relationship is equitable. This has led me to want to not spend much time with her.
This came to a head a few months ago when we met at a café. I asked her a simple question about a trivial matter, and she castigated me quite loudly. I felt embarrassed and angry. Since then, I have had no contact with her. Should I tell her the real reason why I have cooled the relationship? And if so, how do I do that without making the situation worse? Or should I just say that I didn't like how I was treated in the café and leave it at that?
The answer
It's funny they never did a Seinfeld about this. They did "low talker," "high talker" and "close talker," but never "self talker."
I wonder if they would if the show ever came back. Because you don't have to be a deep thinker to notice we've become even more narcissistic than ever.
All you have to do is log on to Facebook. People post pictures of their pets, their lunches, their feet. One guy I avoided in high school recently announced that he had just woken up from a nap. Why on Earth would he think anyone would care?
And people don't listen any more – or only hear what they expect you to say. So I test them with deliberate non sequiturs:
Them: "Wow, Dave, did you notice the size of the rock on that ring she's wearing?"
Me: "Sometimes I don't even notice if a person's using crutches."
Them: "Yeah, huge, right?"
Having said all that, I don't like losing friends for any but the most hair-raising of reasons. As Polonius says to Laertes in Hamlet: "Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried/Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel."
I've had to forgive every friend I have for all kinds of things, as they have done with me. But a friend of 40 years? Fuhgeddaboudit! To use a couple of currentish neologisms, you can't just "ghost" her (abruptly drop her across all social media platforms without telling her why) for being a little too self-involved and "throwing shade" (giving you crap) in a café.
So before you do anything drastic, why not try talking to her? I'm sure there's a polite way to say, "Listen, whenever we get together, we always talk about your stuff, never mine" – without raising her hackles or getting her dander up (sorry, kids: back to the old-fashioned verbiage).
An even better approach is simply to be persistent in bringing the conversation back to what you were initially talking about.
Of course, I've noticed that people with short attention spans will interrupt your story, then someone else will comment on their interruption, and so on – and no one will show the slightest interest in getting back to the original story!
I call these people "derailers." When they cross my path, I just bide my time, wait a moment, then say: "Anyway, as I was saying earlier …" I don't take it personally – it's just the way people are now.
Try something similar with your friend. If she wrenches the conversation around to her, just wrench it back – politely, without any emotional turmoil, but firmly.
We teach people how to treat us. Is it possible you haven't been assertive enough with your friend?
But be sure to push back if she ever has the temerity to "castigate" you ever again in public. Friends don't castigate friends. Friends gently suggest. Friends express concern. But castigation? Totally unacceptable.
Now, I'm not trying to be obtuse here or overlook the fact that she might just be a lousy friend and, no matter how persistent and gentle you are with her, it might not work; in that case, I still don't think it's fair to ghost her or lie to her.
I've always felt that if you're going to end a friendship or any kind of relationship – but particularly a friendship of 40 years – you owe it to the person to tell them the reason why. The real reason – not some trumped-up lie. After all, if you're planning to walk away, what have you got to lose by telling the truth?
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