The question
I find myself in a situation many people might relate to, given the hot real estate markets in many areas of the country. Between us, my husband and I have many friends and acquaintances who are real estate agents, including the husband of a dear, long-time friend. About a year ago, I told this friend that we would probably sell our house in the next two years – and had decided on an agent, not her husband. There are many reasons for this, including the fact that the agent we chose is also a close, dear friend, a single mother putting a daughter through university. I thought I was doing the right thing by informing this friend, in advance, of this decision. But she's now cut me off. We used to get together at least once a month, for lunch, day trips, shopping, birthday lunches, etc. I have now not seen her for almost a year. I miss her terribly. Dave, one of the reasons we have not used friends as agents in the past is because, if the deal goes sour, at least you haven't lost a friend. But now, I seem to have lost a friend anyway. The house is now sold. I don't know that there is anything I can do to "fix" this, but this may be a cautionary tale for others!
The answer
Well, I don't know how much of a cautionary tale it is, because it doesn't seem to me you did much wrong.
Maybe mixing friendship and business/real estate. Everyone calls the current real estate market "hot," but it's also quite fraught. One real estate agent I know says she's had to become "part therapist" because so many clients of hers are so emotional – and it puts strains on marriages, family, etc.
On the other side of the coin, it's also, in my view, changed the nature of the profession of real estate agent. Basically, they make so much more money these days on individual sales.
Gather 'round, kids, while I tell you a tale of days of yore. Once upon a time in ye olden days of the 1970s, my parents bought a beautiful house on a tree-lined street in Toronto for $170,000. The agent's commission would have been less than 10 grand. Now, that same house is probably worth $3-million. The commission would clock in at around $150,000 – for what? A week's work?
I'm not pooh-poohing. Everyone is allowed to make money in my world view. And I know these things are negotiable. I'm just saying: With prices skyrocketing, so are commissions – and therefore the competition has become a) fiercer, and b) more emotional.
And, reading between the lines, what it sounds like happened to you is – well, you say you'd never used a friend as a real estate agent before, but, in tenderhearted fashion, you are now doing it for the first time because "she's a single mother putting a daughter through university."
Which is touching – I must be a much harder-hearted person than you, because the only criterion I'd use for choosing a real estate agent is: Who can put the most money in my pocket? If one agent could get me $1.3-million and another $1.5-million, that's $200,000 for my family! I've got kids to put through school, too! Basically, you gave one of your friends a pretty substantial gift – tens of thousands of dollars for a week's work, let's speculate – and another one: bupkes.
And so the friend who got nothing is steaming and stewing about it. You didn't say anything about her financial circumstances, but she may be saying to herself: "Hey, we, too, could have used that money."
I would try to find a way to sit down with her in person – or her husband, if she keeps doing end runs around you. I wouldn't mention your single-mom-with-daughter-in-university thing, but say: "Look, it wasn't personal and please don't take it that way. I love and cherish our friendship, and I miss you terribly. Let's not let this get between us."
Basically, what you said to me. And make it heartfelt, like when you said it to me. At the same time, you don't want to beg or be obsequious. She is the one driving this bus, and turning her back on you for (let's face it: despite the enormous dollar amounts involved) quite petty reasons.
We teach people how to treat us. It's always terrible to lose or drift away from friends – but at the same time, sometimes you have to call them out. Even if she gets mad at you, she may see the error of her ways and – if she cares as much as you obviously do – come back to you in time.