Kristen Bell, left, and Adam Brody in a scene from Nobody Wants This.Stefania Rosini/The Associated Press
It could be Halloween, it could be the disastrous state of the world, it could be the sheer exhaustion of us singles, but – all of a sudden – there’s something hot about a holy man. Right? Kinda…?
Well, it’s not just me. Take, for example, Netflix’s current hit rom com Nobody Wants This, which stars Kristen Bell as 40-something Joanne, who is very bad at relationships and falls (mutually!) for Noah (Adam Brody), a….*drum roll, please*…rabbi. But a cool rabbi. One who smokes weed, swears and goes to sex shops, although reluctantly, with his new girlfriend. And, as he claims, “plays up the Torah bad-boy vibe.”
She, of course, loves it. In fact, she’s proud when she discovers the teen girls at the Jewish summer camp where he teaches have long dubbed him “Hot Rabbi.”
This nickname would sound familiar to those who remember the greatest, hottest clergyman of all time: Hot Priest, a.k.a. the love interest played by Andrew Scott in the 2019 second season of British comedy-drama Fleabag. That was a year packed full of Hot Priest gifs, memes, tweets, Reddit threads and TikToks.
The following year came Mahershala Ali as Sheikh Malik on the second season of Ramy as mentor to the eponymous, foolhardy lead. He came to be known as, you guessed it, Hot Sheikh.
But let me speak for myself. As a mere mortal, I am weak to the adorable scruff and soothing tones of one Seth Cohen-turned-Hot-Rabbi. Or Scott’s Hot Priest, or Ali’s Hot Sheikh.
However, as an atheist, I preferred the same in a potential partner. More recently, as someone who has begun to flirt with religion and spirituality, my preferences have changed. I’m more open to a devout individual, and intrigued by the conversations it can provoke. And I’m sure that’s been partially influenced by the media I consume flirting with faith in a newly, non-judgmental way.
“It’s not that faith itself has become more attractive, but the values associated with it – integrity, kindness and emotional depth – are really striking a chord in today’s dating world,” says Toronto-based relationship coach Natalia Juarez. “This year, I’ve noticed a growing backlash against online dating, as many people are becoming disillusioned with its often superficial nature. In response, they’re naturally drawn to qualities that offer stability, security and meaningful connection.”
It’s true. In the case of Tinder, annual downloads are down more than a third from their peak in 2014, according to a Pew Research Centre report. And in a January earnings report, Match Group, the company that owns Tinder and Bumble, reported that paying users fell by 8 per cent last year. In addition, in 2022, according to a Financial Times report, the number of dating app downloads hit their lowest point in four years, while Bumble’s shares are currently down more than 80 per cent over the past five years.
Juarez says she believes Fleabag did indeed start the taboo trend of the hot holy man, and that this trend reflects “a deeper societal craving for more meaningful relationships with partners who are principled, compassionate and stand for something bigger than themselves.” So it’s not that faith is the new green flag, but the attributes associated with it are.
I couldn’t agree more. My most recent ex happened to be the son of a pastor (an attribute that would’ve given me chills just five years before). Even though it didn’t ultimately work, he was compassionate and principled, resulting in my greatest relationship so far.
I’m also not ashamed to admit that I can be superficial; it’s hard not to be when it comes to online dating, at least, where you’re swiping on first impression. But the older I get, the less true that is, which also seems to be the case for Joanne. Confronted with a good guy, she reassesses her dating quirks and sees him in a whole new light.
There are studies that suggest couples who pray together and for each other, and who attend church together, are more likely to trust each other and be happy together, respectively.
But generally speaking, the research behind whether religion can make a marriage more stable is mixed, and there is no shortage of studies that suggest religiously minded couples are just as likely to split as others. That said, plenty of studies, including a recent Bumble trend report, have found that today’s singles are more interested in shared priorities, including politics and social causes, and finding matches who love them as they are. Their focus is on finding security, safety and understanding – all traits that Juarez says are associated with the faithful.
“Although attraction plays a big role in the dating process, when it comes to long-term relationship satisfaction, it’s the quality of the connection that really matters,” she explains. “Faith and ethics provide a solid foundation for relationships built on shared values, trust and love. I see the Hot Rabbi as representing the kind of partner many people want to desire – a principled, caring ‘good guy.’ The great news is that people who embody these wonderful qualities are plentiful, though they’re often overlooked in favour of superficial traits.”
Of course, not all religious dudes are good dudes. As Zinta Auzins, a Burlington, Ont.-based psychotherapist warns, “There’s a lot of diversity within any religion. You need to find out for yourself who someone is under any label you might have preconceived notions about.”
She’s right; Hot Rabbi isn’t entirely ethical just because he’s a rabbi. Coupling up with someone who is religious isn’t an instant win. But it can’t be a terrible trend for more of us to look for a stable, secure partner with a little extra compassion. Fingers crossed, pun not intended.