The question
My partner and I have made some new friends recently, which is not always the easiest task at our age. There are a number of couples spending time together fairly regularly at dinner parties and cultural activities. The downside is one couple – a rather humourless pair – who tend toward holier-than-thou lecturing rather than conversation and banter. They can be quite socially awkward and do not read social cues well. The rest of the group has begun to reduce our interactions with this tiresome couple, and have discussed possibly cutting them out altogether. When they have become aware of being left out of an activity, they do not take it gracefully and much guilt-tripping ensues. We do not want to become schoolyard bullies, ganging up on and ostracizing otherwise kind, generous, and genuine people. But we also want to enjoy ourselves. Where should we go from here?
The answer
“Humourless,” “tiresome,” and “holier-than-thou”? Wow, that’s kind of the trifecta of personality traits you want to avoid in other people (and yourself).
Especially, for me, “holier than thou.” At least if you’re boring and humourless have the humility not to act superior. I could see that getting really old really fast.
And as I’ve often said – it’s a central tenet/chestnut of my world-view – humility to me is no less than the mother and father of all other virtues.
So, no: I would not feel bad about avoiding this un-dynamic duo.
Nor would I allow myself to be “guilted” into spending time with them. Guilt is not a good basis for a friendship. You want friends you are drawn to, who make you laugh, energize you and fill your life with colour and joy.
Not ones who call and say: “Hey I heard you’re getting together Friday, can we come?” And you, haunted with dread and trepidation, say: “Uh, yeah, I guess so, okay sure.”
Because you will kill them with the death of a thousand cuts if you do that, and that is simply cruel. Guilt – and this is true across the board –ultimately does the person you feel guilty toward no good.
So what am I suggesting? How is it possible to regard oneself as a kind, decent person while “unfriending” someone not online but in person?
Well, it’s ticklish, and complicated. I think it’s too cold simply to “ghost” them (fail to get back to them on any of the numerous platforms available to us all today.)
At the same time, telling them you’re going to unfriend them won’t work.
There’s a Seinfeld episode about this (there’s a Seinfeld about everything), entitled “Male unbonding,”
Jerry has an annoying friend called Joel Horneck. (“He had a ping pong table. … Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like ping pong? I was 10. I would’ve been friends with Stalin if he had a ping pong table.”)
He tries to break up with him. “Listen, Joel, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” “What?” “The friendship … it’s not working.”
Long story short, Jerry’s plan doesn’t work out.
No, what I think you should do is simply not invite them to stuff. You don’t say what age you are, but basically we’re all adults, and as I often say to people “not everyone can be invited to everything.”
Just don’t be coy about it. I don’t get invited to everything. Some of my dearest friends will invite some of my other dearest friends to, say, dinner, and I/my wife won’t be invited.
It can zing a little, but I just say to myself: “Not everyone can be invited to everything.” What really tends to sting, though, is when whoever didn’t invite me somewhere is all coy and won’t say what they got up to, say, last Friday – when I know perfectly well.
Because I can handle it. I know I’m an interesting and entertaining person, and will be invited along one of these days. But it’s the coyness that burns.
Now, your newfound friends sound both uninteresting and unentertaining, so that’s a problem. But still: Be upfront. And if it’s a problem, well: It’s their problem.
Maybe after not being invited to enough occasions, they’ll start to get the hint and up their game a bit – be a little more fun and less superior.
After all, it’s hard to be “holier than thou” if there’s no thou around to be holier than.
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