Author Meg Meeker on hero dads and how to be a good parent

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If you're a father who is unsure about your role in the modern family, Meg Meeker is ready to give you the ultimate pep talk. It's all right there in the title of the U.S.-based pediatrician and best-selling author's new book, Hero: Being the Strong Father Your Children Need. The Globe and Mail's Dave McGinn spoke to Meeker about what it is to be a hero dad, whether it's a label that also applies to moms and what is really required from a good parent.

Why did you want to write this book?

I've literally listened to thousands of kids over the years and I've seen how the kids who have engaged fathers, or just sort-of-involved fathers, do a lot better. And when I looked at everything in the culture, there's a tremendous amount of dad shaming and dad dumbing down. I thought, this is not okay. We need to be telling dads who they really are to encourage them.

"Hero" seems like a very high standard. Is it too high?

No! That's the whole point. Men think in order to be a hero they need to be perfect. They need to be successful, they need to land a plane with one wing. They need to rescue a drowning person from a river. No, no, no. The whole point is that kids see in their dads that they are a hero. To a kid's eyes, they say, "He's going to keep me safe. He's smarter than anybody I know. He's stronger than anybody I know. I need to watch him and see how he lives life." It's really not about changing who you are. It's really about understanding who you are to your child.

What are the essential qualities that define a hero dad?

A hero dad is a dad who shows up. A hero dad gets the big stuff right and doesn't worry about the small stuff. By the big stuff I mean his kids can trust him, his kids know he loves them like crazy, his kids know he will have their back and that he will do what he needs to do to keep them safe from themselves. A hero dad is a dad they can really depend on to come through for them. That's really all a hero dad is, and any dad can do that. The problem is, they don't believe they can and they're not given space in order to do it.

Can moms be heroes?

Yes, in different ways. But a child doesn't look to mom as the protector and the defender and the fighter for them. Moms are the ground on which you stand. Mom is the person who always has to love you. This is general. Obviously there are exceptions. But in general, kids approach their mothers and fathers very differently.

So much of the book says dads just need the courage to follow their instincts. But is it really that simple?

Men are intimidated to act on their instincts and when they do, they often get tremendous pushback. They need to plow through that.

One reason dads might not go with their instincts is because there's an idea in our culture these days that says parents should be their kids' friends.

Ugh, gag me. I see this all the time. This is a new phenomenon in the past 15 years. When our kids were growing up – our oldest is 25 now – we didn't feel the need to be their friends. We felt the need to love them like crazy, show them how to live a good life, show them some pretty firm boundaries but not be over the top.

Thinking you need to be your kid's friend is fear-based. And the fear is this: If I draw a line in the sand with my kid and I say "no you can't do that" or if I say "no you can't play video games before your homework is done," they won't want to talk to me. That's a very irrational fear. A child, particularly as they get older, only wants to draw closer to a parent they respect.

What is the most essential aspect to being a good father?

Love your kids fiercely. And the second thing he needs to do, is draw closer to your kids, don't back away from your kids, particularly during the teen years. If dads just did those two things, they're going to win their kids, I promise.

This interview has been edited and condensed.