Therapists recommend spending one-on-one time or carving out specific time to be together as a family to discuss difficult issues like war.iStockPhoto / Getty Images
Over the past year, the world has witnessed the violence of the Israel-Hamas war and trying to talk about it has been distinctly divisive. People have lost friends, family relationships and jobs as this topic has splintered social groups, school communities, workplaces and institutions.
That’s just conversations among adults. How do we effectively, and with care, talk to our kids about war and violence? Do they even want to talk about it?
Therapist Carla Fry of Vancouver Psychology Centre says in her practice young children have brought up fears around war while teenagers articulate bigger, existential questions.
“Will the world ever be okay? Will there be a future for me? What’s wrong with humanity? How can I go and get my hair trimmed when there’s people dying?” Dr. Fry relays. “There’s a lot of real, huge heaviness amongst our youth.”
Dr. Fry emphasizes an overall perspective of resilience. “Helping kids to see that good times start and finish, bad times start and finish, even terrible, tragic, huge things like war,” Dr. Fry says. Young children need to feel their home and school, and even pets, are safe. Older children need to feel they are being heard.
There’s no one-size-fits-all messaging. “How much you talk about it, when you talk about it, how much information you share, needs to be moderated by the needs of the child, their personality, their history and what’s going on for them in their lives.” Dr. Fry warns parents against leading conversations with the idea that our children should know statistics or understand the “reality of war,” which isn’t prioritizing what the child actually needs in that moment, and instead recommends leading conversations with compassion and curiosity by asking, “What do you already know?”
Reena Vanza, a therapist at Cedarway Therapy in Oakville, Ont., agrees. In general, small children don’t know much, so you don’t need to overexplain in an attempt to quash fears, while older children likely know more than you think.
She recommends creating a safe space for dialogue, which isn’t necessarily the dinner table with everyone present.
“A lot of parents are having these heavy talks at the wrong times,” Ms. Vanza says.
With everyone’s busy lives, Ms. Vanza recommends scheduling one-on-one time with older kids or carving out specific time to be together as a family in a calm and relaxed setting. Ms. Vanza takes her teens for weekend walks in nature for big, tough topics.
Focusing on the helpers, people doing their best to help others in these difficult times, and limiting the flood of news is important, especially as young people spend more time on their phones and social media.
“I always talk to parents about watching their child’s habits of doomscrolling,” Ms. Vanza says. “War can make youth feel anxious, especially when we start hearing things like, ‘oh, World War Three is coming.’ We want to reassure our own children’s safety and acknowledge their anxiety about war. That’s a normal response to hearing and seeing violent images, right?”
Curious teens will seek out information on social media, which is bottomless and spans the spectrum from accurate information to misinformation to online hate.
This generation is getting a lot of user-generated content about war, with images that can be shocking, says Karim Bardeesy of The Dais, a think tank focusing on technology, education and democracy.
“Algorithms that are learning teenagers’ behaviour and interests are especially potent on TikTok. And there’s accounts that people can get, to find out what’s actually happening on the ground, from very different and diametrically-opposed perspectives,” Mr. Bardeesy says.
How can we talk about it? The first step is for parents to put their phones down.
“Teenagers can smell hypocrisy a mile away,” Mr. Bardeesy says. He recommends finding accurate information and historical context for the conflict, together as a family.
“A lot of parents I work with have the news playing all the time in the background,” Ms. Vanza says. “I work with parents who come from the conflict zone, so I understand that completely.” But, she cautions, their six-year-old might not be processing this information the way they are.
Dr. Fry suggests that parents model self-care by talking out loud about balancing their intake of news by switching the radio to music. Children can practise their own self-care. A five-year-old can hug their favourite stuffy without help from a parent. Teens can curate playlists for their mood. This builds resilience.
She also recommends avoiding reacting to the news with judgmental statements like, “I don’t know why those people don’t just XYZ, or, If it were me, I’d do this.”
“Instead, statements like, I wonder what it’s like when there’s no food available, or, I wonder what it would be like to not know how safe your family is when you go to bed at night, are modelling compassion.”
Both Dr. Fry and Ms. Vanza emphasize it isn’t necessary as a parent to have perfect answers. It’s okay to not know.
“What kids want to know is that their parent listens to them,” Dr. Fry says. “A lot of times, kids just want to talk, and be heard, and don’t necessarily need a solution.” And even if parents don’t have a solution to share, they can help kids who want to feel like they’re making a positive contribution, such as by writing a letter to their MP or helping to raise money.
“Whether it’s professionally or personally, I remind myself it’s okay to not have answers,” Ms. Vanza says. “War is so complex and it’s okay to feel confused.”