A reader writes: My sister and I are 16 years apart in age and have different mothers. When she was a child, our father left her mother for mine. I've lived with my father my whole life and still do at 27, although only part of the year. No one who knows my father has any doubt that the sun gets up to shine on all his daughters (there are three of us, but I don't have a problem with the oldest, 19 years my senior). But as far as closeness goes, he and I are tight. We spend the most time together, and take care of each other. When I'm home I cook his meals, fix things around the house, and spend a lot of time getting rid of things my shopaholic mother acquired before her death seven years ago. Only 13 months after her death, my sister's mother passed away as well. Since that time, the once close relationship she and I shared has turned barely tolerable. My father and I have gotten closer, and I know my sister feels that I'm taking advantage of my father by living with him.
I, and the other family members I've spoken to, feel that perhaps she blames me for taking her father away from her. I really love my sister, and miss the closeness we once shared. How do I make her see that I didn't take her father away from her?
The answer: If we were to look at this from the old Oedipal angle, the fact is, when you were born you did take your father away from her. Of course, Freud also said this was because your arrival meant your sister had a new amorous rival for your father's love, so it's worth taking that with a grain of salt.
For a more modern analysis of the situation, I talked to Vera Rabie, a Toronto-based psychotherapist who has published two books on the topic of favouritism in families. Ms. Rabie has even developed her own theory, which she calls The Favouritism Theory. She summarizes it as such: "In every four person family, you've got a prime love provider, an auxiliary love provider, a favoured child and a disfavoured one."
Ms. Rabie explains that the children in the family fight over the prime love provider's attention, but ultimately, one usually gets more of that love than the others. The favoured child ends up being easygoing, positive and gets along well with the parents. In this case, that child is you. The most disfavoured child - your sister - well, watch out. She can be quite cranky. And she has a right to be - she was disfavoured!
This is not your fault, though. It's your dad's for not making the extra effort with her. You're getting the heat because, as Mr. Rabie puts it, "She's taking out her grief for her mother and probably her rivalry with her other sister closer in age against this younger sister, who is a smaller, sweeter, better-natured person, and an easy target." Hear that? You're too sweet. But you can't help it, you're the favoured child.
Fortunately, Ms. Rabie has a great suggestion of how to untangle this: "She should take less of the limelight for herself," she says, "and make some time for the other girl to cut in a bit and not be so overt about her attachment with the father." I think Ms. Rabie might just have your number here. You seem excessively proud of the fact that, in your father's world, the sun comes up to shine brightest on you. He's close with all his daughters, but you and he are "tight." I'm betting that when your sister is around, without even intending to, you start bragging about the birthday
cake you made for your dad, or the coastal drive you and your dad took yesterday, or how much you love sitting out on the deck with your dad doing the crossword. Dad, dad, dad. I don't mean to put all the blame on you, but you might be unconsciously adding fuel to your sister's ire.
Letting your sister into your dad's world a bit more isn't going to hurt what you and he have, and it may just make you and sis "tight" as well. But it's not going to happen by itself - you have to take action.
Start by inviting her out to dinner and then for the whole two hours, don't even mention your father. Talk about things in your life that are just about you. Then, the next time she is coming over to your father's house, conveniently have plans elsewhere and give them time to bond.
I wonder if, imagining this happening, you're already starting to feel jealous of the time they would have together, and worry that your dad might start to become attached to her more. Freud, as usual, had a bizarre solution to a jealousy
such as this: have a baby. He thought a woman's desire to get pregnant was a replacement for the lost love of her father.
Now, obviously I'm not suggesting you follow Freud's advice literally (Sigmund should rarely be taken literally). But if you're finding it impossible to not talk about your father or allow your sister some of the spotlight, the metaphor of giving life to a new and more personal focus might be something to take to heart.
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