A reader writes: My sister moved two provinces away four years ago. She left on bad terms with the rest of our family and I consider her essentially estranged.
In that time, she's moved constantly with her boyfriend - who may or may not be employed - and she doesn't call. She can't always afford a phone so it's even hard to reach her that way. Sometimes, the only way my mom hears about her is when a landlord calls about rent not paid.
But she obviously has her head screwed on straight since she's kept the same job the entire time, and I have just started calling her there for five minute chats. She sounds happy and busy. She could move back home, but I respect if she doesn't want to because her current situation makes her happy. Though my sister has caused a lot of worry, I just want her to be safe and happy.
Now, my mom, dad, little sister and I are taking a trip to see her for the first time. On this trip, I hope to do some good - reconnect with her, gauge her current situation and hopefully avoid a huge blow-out. Any thoughts about how I can accomplish some of these goals?
Answer: I can picture it now, dinnertime at the house of the family with their heads screwed on straight: Everyone sits down - everyone except wayward daughter, of course - and while the conversation begins nicely with Trudy's award-winning grade ten science project or dad's latest promotion - eventually, inevitably, your sister's name comes up.
Then the tirade begins: "I can't believe she's still with that deadbeat. She can't stay in one place for more than a year. Her head's just not screwed on straight," your dad says. Your mom sighs. "What went wrong with our little girl? Why won't she just come home?"
And what do you say? I'm guessing nothing. You just eat your home-cooked, balanced meal and silently nod. You're stuck in the middle because you're starting not to be so critical of your sister and maybe even are coming to respect her choices.
I'm assuming a lot of things here about your situation, but it's your defensive insistence that she sounds "happy" and has her "head screwed on straight" that makes me pretty sure you disagree with your parents' criticisms.
Now, I would normally hesitate to answer a question where the content of the conflict is so shrouded in mystery. But you've hit on one of my pet subjects - family scapegoats - so I'm going to go on what I've got.
I contacted Sylvia Brinton Perera, a Jungian analyst in New York who wrote a book on the topic, The Scapegoat Complex. She said that in families, there is often one member that the rest just don't get. They dress differently, hold vastly different moral and political beliefs, and well, tend to move away to live a life that no one can understand. In extreme cases, it might even make you question the mother's fidelity.
But Ms. Perera takes the Jungian view that we must all beware of judging in other people the things that we could never accept in ourselves (Jung called this "projecting your shadow"). "Within a family, especially one with a strong sense of righteousness," says Ms. Perera, "the shadow can also get projected onto a family member, who gets scapegoated as the black sheep of the family."
That's a lot of psycho-speak there, but basically what she's getting at is this: Your parents need to realize their daughter may simply never live in the mould they imagined for their kids. They need to start seeing her for who she is, not who she isn't. Ms. Perera pointed out that there could be another spin put on the underemployed boyfriend, for instance: "The sister can see the value in someone who isn't a hard worker."
Your family's evident attachment to financial stability and a serious work ethic is by no means unusual or a problem in itself, but the way a family treats a member that thinks otherwise can be a problem.
I can already hear our commenters clamouring that parents have a right to be concerned about their children, and I agree. But there's a difference between true concern and a troublesome projecting of one's shadow. Ms. Perera explained one way you can tell the difference: "When you project your shadow, it has the quality of… I really can't stand that person. Ick! Who can stand that!? It can vary from slight judgmentalism to outright contempt."
But, again, it sounds to me like you are not doing this. Instead, you are realizing that your sister has found a way to be happy that doesn't jive with your upbringing, a way in which her head is crooked, at least from your family's point of view. (Just to play on some stereotypes, I'd put some money down on your family being from middle Canada and your sister escaping to Vancouver. Am I right?)
In a way, you are the perfect person to create a bridge between your parents and your sister. Your impending visit will give you some good fuel for this - you can observe her life, focus on the positive, and then start pointing out in the car on the way back to the hotel how your sister's lifestyle seems to make her happy (if that's true), instead of keeping silent when the negative tirade begins.
In the end, that's probably the best you can do to avoid the blow-out, but it could very well still happen. You're not going to be able to change your parents' minds over the course of a few days. If your parents insist on still being critical of your sister's life and the values she's chosen, there may be nothing you can do about that.
Nonetheless, if you are open to your sister's way of being, you could personally learn something from it. And also, you might be able to take some solace in another of Ms. Perera's observations about the family scapegoat. "Although it is initially painful to be in that role, that child may also be freed from the family system to create a more independent and original lifestyle." So there you go: Your sister is the family pioneer, breaking new ground for future generations.
And though she might never move back home, she's not so far. According to Ms. Perera, family scapegoats can go bahing and bleating much further astray than that, such as one particularly bad case she once encountered. "She went all the way to China and never came back."
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