Question: My son was a big partier in high school, and while I feared that he'd continue his bad habits, I sent him to university anyway because I want him to succeed and not fall behind in the job market. Now I hear from my spy (his sister) that he's not attending any classes and is getting drunk all the time. It's only his first semester, but I can't help but feel he's wasting this opportunity, and my money What can I do? Is it time to cut him off and bring him home?
Answer: Some people major in English lit. Some major in economics. Your son just happens to be a major partier. Certainly, it's disconcerting to think that all that money you earn by the sweat of your brow is ending up in a residence toilet at three in the morning. But before you freak out and turn off the financial tap, breathe deeply and relax. I bet if you think back to your own first semester in university, you'll remember more about what when on between classes than in them. In fact, Evelyn Rodinos, a psychologist at McGill University's counselling centre, even suggests that your son's wild and crazy behaviour might be a good thing. For his development, and for his future in the job market.
"For freshman, it's almost a rite of passage to do a lot of experimenting and try out a lot of different personas. As they're trying to find themselves and choose who they want to be, academics isn't going to be in the top three or four priorities," says Ms. Rodinos. "Usually," she laughs, "number one is having sex." And according to the admirably realistic Ms. Rodinos, you shouldn't necessarily curb your son's careless behaviour, at least not right away. "Social status may be more important towards performance in the long term," she says. "As long as you have social skills, you're going to be successful."
She does have a point. I mean, how many times have you heard the story about the CEO who failed out of school and became a drug addict living on the streets, only to turn himself around and become mega-successful? Learning how to exist alongside other human beings may indeed be more important than understanding your philosophy textbook's interpretation of what Jean-Paul Sartre meant when he wrote, "Existence precedes and rules essence."
Of course, I'm not suggesting that you stand by as your son becomes a raging alcoholic, loses all his friends and steals food for sustenance. And neither is Ms. Rodinos. I'm just urging you to look outside your narrow perspective of what it means to be successful. By the sounds of it, in your head, he's already a high-powered lawyer or a brain surgeon.
If your child continues to drink and fail at school into second semester, it may be time to consider whether the message he's trying to send is that university is not the right place for him. Parents - and kids - usually assume without question university is place to go after high school, but Ms. Rodinos suggests you initiate a dialogue that you should have started a few years back.
"What do they want their lifestyle to look like in five years? Do they want to live in the country, in the city? Do they want to be working from home or in a carpentry shop? What are their values?" Volunteering, enrolling in a polytechnic college, or even just getting a job are just as valid options in Ms. Rodinos' mind, depending on what your child's goals are.
"There's not just one way to be in this world," she says. "If they don't go to university now, they may in three or four years when they realize that it's a hoop they have to jump through to get what they want. It has to be meaningful to them."
But for now, the best thing may be just to recognize the educational value of your son licking salt off a floormate's neck after doing a shot of tequila, while the rest of the residence hall shouts his name in between various expletives. That kind of concentration under pressure can't be found at the library.
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