A reader writes: My ex is charming, vivacious and utterly unscrupulous. We haven't spoken for eight years, yet she continually vents to the children, all grown up, about how mean and hurtful I was to her during the marriage, which is a figment of her overactive imagination. I have hesitated to tell the children some aspects of the truth, including her infidelities, her out-of-wedlock pregnancy and subsequent abortion, and the fact that her parents blamed me. She didn't have the courage to tell them it was another married man whom she had met. So, do I unload on them or continue to "carry the can" as the bad guy? I tolerated the woman for 30 years of marriage and she got a more than an equitable settlement, but she continues to lie to the children. I'm getting tired of it.
Answer: By the sounds of it, unlike your spunky ex with a dark side, you have moved on from this marriage, leaving all traces of bitterness behind and thus are in the perfect position to clear-headedly elucidate to your children the sordid realities of their mother's personality as well as the truth behind the reasons their parents' marriage ended.
NOT.
I don't believe that in sharing your version of the "truth" with your children, you would not also be venting. And this, on top of what your ex is already saying to them, would only cause greater harm.
According to Hanna McDonough, a Toronto-based psychotherapist who has worked for years with post-divorce parents, couples who have split usually go through four stages before they can become child-focused again: physical separation, blaming, evaluating the relationship (which includes grieving) and then letting go. It sounds like your ex, and maybe you, is still hanging on to stage two. Ms. McDonough, who has penned a book on this topic - Putting Children First: A Guide for Parents Breaking Up - does not sugar coat the consequence of such behaviour: "Children are destroyed by
high-conflict divorce," she says.
But let me step back from my own venting and commend you. Despite some lingering resentment, you have not blurted out these ugly facts about your ex to your kids. Good job, and keep it that way. "Kids have a right to love
their parent," says Ms. McDonough. I agree with her. The truth, in this case, would not set your kids free but just add to the scars they've suffered from their family's collapse.
Okay, you say, but what about clearing your own good name? To be honest, my first instinct was to say that you are justified in sitting your kids down and debunking all the disinformation. However, Ms. McDonough says even that is a bad idea. "At least one parent should be child-focused," she said, explaining that a better response than self-defence would be to turn the spotlight around to the kids and ask them how the things their mom says makes them feel. She suggests a response more along these lines: "I'm so sorry that when things are said about each of us, it only makes it worse for you."
Realistically, this Gandhi-like strategy is going to be hard to follow when your kids ask why you used to beat them with hockey sticks when they were babies. The main point to take away from Ms. McDonough is to not get hung up sorting out every little lie. Just tell them the things their mom has said aren't true, keep it at that, and turn the focus over to them as soon as possible.
Also, I would add that in the end, your actions are going to speak louder than your wife's insidious words. Treat your kids well, listen to them, be a focused, attentive parent and they will stop believing the things your ex is saying. Eventually, they will put two and two together and form their own version of the truth in which you aren't the bad guy.
In the meantime, have you really not spoken to your ex in eight years? That amount of water under the bridge could fill the Atlantic Ocean. "They should sit down in the same room and take a look at the situation objectively and the consequences this is having on the kids," says Ms. McDonough. I'm sure being the recipient of your ex's, um, charms is not your idea of a fun evening, but it's not for your - or your wife's - benefit. It's for the kids, which is something I hope you can both agree is worthwhile.
You may think that it's too late to make a change, or that maybe your "all grown up" kids are too old to benefit from it, but Ms. McDonough disagrees. "Anything you say to a kid as a parent - even if you're 90 and they're 60 - still will have an enormous impact on them. The parent reigns supreme in the child's unconscious for their whole life, for good or bad."
In your case, for the last eight years, it's been a lot of bad. Your top priority for tomorrow, next week and next year is to shove as much good into your kids' heads as you can.
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