Question: My boyfriend and I have finally decided to take advantage of gay marriage and are planning on tying the knot. Now comes the hard part: planning the whole thing. Part of the difficulty is that my brother, who I was very close to growing up, has made it clear that he doesn't agree with same-sex marriage. He always reassures me that he supports my "decision" to be gay and that he thinks I should have all the same legal rights as straight marrying couples, but just as a civil union. Obviously I don't agree, but I made a choice years ago not to get into all this with him to avoid a big fight. Of course, on some level, I have been harbouring resentment over it, and now, part of me doesn't want to invite him to the wedding at all, to sort of prove a point. But then a bigger part of me wants to ask him to be my best man. He is my brother, after all. I just don't know if he'd even go for that. I'm torn. What should I do?
Answer: Well, tough situation. It sounds like you really love your brother despite his being anachronistic and intolerant, which is very progressive and tolerant of you. One thing I'd ask you up front is whether you'd also be "proving a point" by asking him to be your best man when you know he does not approve? In other words, do you really want him standing up there next to you, or are you just trying to challenge him? I know the personal is political and all, but you should try to put the same-sex wedding issue aside for a moment and decide if you really want him by your side on the big day. Is there somebody else who has stuck by you always, who you trust with every part of who you are? If no, and you really can picture no one else in that spot, then yes, ask him.
You may be surprised by his response. I talked to D.A. Hoskins, a gay choreographer in Toronto, about how he approached his family when he and his boyfriend decided to get married. He didn't. They'd historically had problems with him being gay, and he "wanted the wedding to be easy, and so chose to tell them after the fact." In the end, they did get angry, but for different reasons than he had assumed. "It turned out to be that my family really wanted to participate and really wanted to be there. And I just completely negated it, and thought it wasn't a big deal to them," he says.
"They were dramatically upset, very disappointed in me." Tears were shed, he says, and it opened up his eyes to his family's true feelings and growing acceptance. So that is one possibility.
However, your brother also might refuse, as you are fearing. And please excuse me while I hop on a soapbox for just a moment. I have been witness to people whom I usually consider open-minded saying things similar to your brother, people who claim that same-sex ceremonies "stain the institution of marriage." Hello, people! Heterosexuals gave up the right to claim ownership on marriage many years ago when the divorce rate started hovering around 50 per cent. Mr. Hoskins and his partner have been together for 15 years. How many people can say that these days? But I know, I know, it's against your religion. Well, the Supreme Court of Canada legalization of gay marriage just saw its third anniversary on Sunday and the decision is not bad summer reading, especially this line: "The mere recognition of the equality rights of one group cannot, in itself, constitute a violation of the rights of another."
Further, not only do I disagree with the logic of your brother's position on gay marriage, but I also feel he'd be missing the point of what a nuptial ceremony is all about. On a purely wedding etiquette level, I think it's in bad taste to impose one's values - or aesthetics - on another's special day. His job is to support you as you take this extremely important step in your life. It's about you, not him. When I am asked to be involved in a ceremony, I like to think of myself as a decoration - an animated one, like a puppet. If the bride and groom or groom and groom or bride and bride want me in drag singing White Wedding instead of reciting a passage from Corinthians ... well, I'd seriously consider doing it.
Another person I talked to - a lesbian who was married two years ago - said she also did not invite her parents to her wedding, as it would be "inviting physical violence and martyrdom into our home." She says, though, that if she had asked them to be involved and they refused, she wouldn't have been that hurt. Now I know your situation is not as
extreme as that, but I quite liked the way she articulated how she would cope with a refusal. "I don't need them to stand up for me in front of society. I decided long ago that that was my job, not theirs."
So if good ol' bro says no? Have your real best man write that on the back of your car in whipped cream.
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