A reader writes: I am young, professional only-child who is about to marry a fellow only-child. Both sets of parents still feel the need to control our lives and we have no siblings to assist us with establishing boundaries. I have noticed that our friends who have siblings don't have the same problems with parental over-involvement. We noticed it with the wedding planning but thought that was typical parental-wedding behaviour. The problem has gotten much worse now that we started shopping for a place to live. They are coming to open houses with us, setting up appointments for us in areas near them and are overly-involved in this entire process, which I feel is something that is supposed to be between my fiancé and me. How do we stop them from doing this without hurting them?
Answer: Alfred Adler, one of Freud's breakaway pupils, famously worried about only children. "Retaining the centre of the stage without effort and generally pampered," he wrote, "[the only child]forms a style of life based on being supported by others and at the same time ruling them."
So on the one hand, you don't know how to make your own choices. That's the glass half empty. But also ... you rule! I say go with option B. You are a "little emperor," as they call solo spawn in China, and you should be mindful of your power.
Without another sentient being to disperse their nosiness among, your parents have pinned all their hopes and dreams on just you, so of course they're going to be over-involved. But whether it's outwardly apparent or not, part of their dream is that you will become an independent adult with all the tools to make life choices yourself. Unfortunately, parents are rarely willful enough to cut the cord themselves - you have to do it. And what I'm going to say next is probably something you won't like: Yes, you are going to have to hurt them to break free. But, like flossing your teeth, it will hurt in a way that will eventually feel good.
It is true that siblings can at times - as you put it - "assist" each other in making boundaries. Two voices in unison are always going to hold more sway than one. However, as a member of an old-fashioned multiple-child family (one recent survey says 42 per cent of Canadian families plan to have only one child), I can testify that possessing a sibling does not always work that way. Sure, I can talk over things with my sister, but her issues with our parents are so completely different than mine that it's like comparing Oedipuses to Electras. In fact, I'd say getting boundary-forming tips from friends of a similar age is, in the end, more informative.
I wondered how common your situation was among families in general, no matter their procreative ambition, so I consulted Wendy Hammond Page, a real estate agent in Toronto. When I told her your story, she scratched her head (over the phone) but couldn't think of any situations in her eight years on the scene where a couple's parents have tried to be as involved as yours are. "In 90 per cent of cases, there's no parental involvement at all," she says.
According to Ms. Page, that straggling ten per cent most often exists because their parents are paying for the house. "That becomes a little touchier," she admits. "In that case, they might want to have a say in the final decision. I see a lot of people buying smaller houses, to avoid taking money from their parents." So, if you are accepting dough from your parents or in-laws, that's one thing to consider.
However, it sounds like you'd have a problem either way, so I absolutely think it's time for you to tell them to back off. Based on the tone of your letter, I'm sure you'll find a nicer way to say that. And this is a case where I think honesty really is the best policy. Just tell them what you wrote to me - that you and your husband want to start your new life together by making this decision as your own family unit. (As an aside, definitely make sure both sets of parents are getting the same message and that it's presented as a joint decision between you and your fiancé.)
Will this heartwarming testament to the importance of your new bond melt your parents resolve? Maybe. But likely not. Likely, they'll try to guilt you. There may even be a fight, a few tears. I don't think there's any way around this - hurt is a part of the individuating process. Or, as Jane Fonda was fond of saying: No pain, no gain.
You may think to yourself, "If I turn them away now, what happens when I do need their help?" Perhaps they'll respond by reminding you that you wanted them to have nothing to do with an important decision in your life. But I doubt it - remember, you're their only child. And if they do react that way, you can go home to your new husband, gripe about them into the night, sipping brandy on the back patio that you chose, paid for, and staked out your independence upon.
Click here to submit your own family feud and get expert advice. Don't be shy: We won't print your name.
Family Feud appears every other Tuesday on the Life page of globeandmail.com.