Question: I've always loved the holidays, but this year they're stressing me out. I just had my second child and my husband and I decided it was time to stop carting our family around to both our parents' houses and instead invite everyone to ours. Usually we split the holiday by spending Christmas Eve with one set and Christmas Day with another. Our mothers were a little disappointed they wouldn't be hosting but they agreed this was a good idea. So that's the good news.
The bad news is they've never really liked each other. They are very different people and that tension came out way back when we were wedding planning. It's not like there was ever a big blowout or anything but there were some sharp words and a lot of silent disapproval.
They also happen to be total opposites when it comes to Christmas. His mother always makes the traditional turkey dinner. My mother, on the other hand, thinks traditions are lame and mixes it up every year. I feel like if I go traditional, my mother will see it as a betrayal, and if I go with something a little different, his mother will see it as a personal insult.
I have no idea even where to start deciding what to do or how to keep them both happy. And that's the thing. I would actually really like to make them both happy. I just feel stuck in the middle. Advice?
Answer: In-laws: Where would we be without them? In a more peaceful place, yes, but I would be out of a job. Not to mention the fact that your partner wouldn't exist without them. Oh, how complicated is life!
This is a big year for you - the beginning of a new era for your family - and I can understand your anxiety around how it's all going to play out. To get some help, I talked with Dr. Terri Apter, a faculty member at Newnham College in Cambridge and the author of the forthcoming What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws.
Dr. Apter's first reaction to your question was, like mine, sympathy. "Here she is, hosting this and she's putting herself in the position of responsibility for keeping everyone happy and keeping harmony." Of course, then she surprised me by saying this was no good. I always just figured that's what a host does, but not according to Dr. Apter. "All parties are going to be benefiting greatly," she says, pointing out that time with the grandchildren should be enough motivation for both sets of folks to behave. And thus, the responsibility is on the whole group to make it a peaceful time. But as we all know, the mere presence of children has never been enough to stop families from bickering, so you'll also have to find other ways to nudge them along the road to harmony.
The first of Dr. Apter's apt suggestions is to allocate jobs to your MIL and your mother. "That way they'll feel like they're contributing but she won't be giving up her role as the woman in charge." And I like that she calls you this: the woman in charge. I don't think you've taken ownership of this role. You're still thinking of your MIL and your mother as the women in charge. All three of you need to face the fact that this isn't true any more - that gig is all yours. MIL and mother are now like wild horses and you have to tame them. How do you do that? According to Dr. Apter, with love and appreciation. Sounds pretty underhanded, doesn't it?
"A lot of in-law tension comes from feeling threatened - an in-law will think that what he or she brings to the family is not acknowledged or not appreciated," says Dr. Apter, adding that the holiday traditions themselves will only take on meaning if the women don't feel that love.
She suggests calling them up and beginning by telling them how much you look forward to them being there at Christmas. I know you don't necessarily feel this way - yet. But consider it like a prophecy of Christmas future. Say it and it will have a better chance of coming true. After you've done that, you can tell them that you've loved Christmas past at their homes, but that Christmas present is going to be different and you hope it will still be wonderful for them. Then decide exactly how you want the holiday to go and do it that way.
Following this course doesn't mean everything will work out smoothly, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. According to Dr. Apter, a little skirmish here and there is actually a sign of a healthy family. "If everyone is extremely well-behaved, that can be a problem," says Dr. Apter. She calls it Good Behaviour Syndrome. "When people feel that if they don't behave nicely and politely, things will fall apart - that can be highly stressful. It does not make for a relaxing visit."
So, you know, do what you can - make sure each grandmother gets time with your kids, give them jobs to do, express appreciation - but remember that a bit of disagreement is the blood flow of a family. If people are allowed to communicate openly and are focusing on each other, they won't have time to worry about what's for dinner. "That's just style," says Dr. Apter. And the realization by all parties present what really matters is the people is what she calls "the happy scenario." Good luck to you and your lambs this Christmas.
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