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When I turned 30 – because sometimes life can be very on the nose – I realized something: I had developed a wonderful network of friends for the first time in my life. They became my firsts: the first people I go to when I have good or bad news, when I need advice and when I need a laugh. When the pandemic began, and I had started a new job and was in a difficult space with my family, they were the ones I spoke to every day. We made each other feel like we could get through anything and we sent each other goodie packages when we inevitably got sick. It was true platonic love. They became my family.
Three years later, and those bonds have only grown stronger. In this span of time, I also happened to be single, but the love and connection I was lacking, I found in my friends. Maybe I had the space to do so because I had no romantic partner. Many times in my life, I’ve been benched by friends who’ve fallen in love, which is hardly a unique experience.
We’ve seen it happen time and again: When Gilmore Girls’ Rory keeps cancelling plans with best friend Lane because her relationships with Dean, Jess and Logan always take over. Or when Lillian becomes more focused on her coming wedding and frenemy Helen, and Annie feels abandoned in Bridesmaids. Or, more recently, when Sex Education’s Otis forgets plans with Eric as his love for Maeve grows.
In some ways, it makes sense. As we grow older, we fall in love, we commit, we move in together, we have kids and suddenly we become a single unit; a “we.”
This can take a toll on friendships, says California-based social scientist Kasley Killam. “But sometimes people simply grow apart. Maybe your interests, values or priorities have evolved, and a friendship that was significant at one time in your life isn’t any more. That’s a natural part of getting older.”
When we are kids and preteens, our family structure is what provides all the resources we need, explains Bree McEwan, an associate professor in the Institute of Communication, Culture, Information, and Technology at the University of Toronto. But from the ages of 16 to 24, generally, it’s our friends who we go to the movies with, study with and share all our secrets with. We need them to learn how to socialize and be a member of society. After that, we begin moving into the nuclear-family structure again, but this time, our primary partner can provide all those resources, along with helping to pay the rent and raise a child. (But some friends are choosing to build families together, too.)
Although it’s “bittersweet,” as we settle into adulthood, we move toward depending more on a romantic partner and immediate family, explains McEwan.
Sure, that might be the neater, easier route. But it’s actually healthier to keep your platonic bonds alive and strong, too. Studies have shown that people who have close friends are less likely to suffer from depression, are more satisfied with their lives and are less likely to die from all causes, including heart problems and chronic disease, and can therefore extend their lifespan.
“Health is not only physical and mental; it’s also social,” says Killam. “Strong friendships bring joy and meaning to your life, yes – but more than that, they help you live longer and healthier. Friends are an important source of social health, the dimension of overall health and well-being that comes from connection.”
There has never been a time when this has been more important. According to a 2021 survey by Statistics Canada, more than 40 per cent of Canadians feel lonely some or all of the time, especially single people and those who live alone.
This “loneliness pandemic” has long been an issue in the West, but was amplified by the COVID pandemic, when social isolation became key to health and safety. Research has even found that loneliness can lead to dementia, stroke and death. Besides, says McEwan, leaning on your romantic partner to provide everything for you can add stress to your relationship.
“You don’t want to have all your eggs in one basket,” she adds. “We also have instrumental needs, like, you need to know your neighbour so you can borrow that proverbial cup of sugar.” She points to sociologist Mark Granovetter’s 1973 paper on “the strength of weak ties,” which extolls the virtues of more casual relationships. McEwan says these connections can be useful for acquiring a greater diversity of support and information. After all, other people will have access to things you and your romantic partner don’t.
But friendships don’t just exist in perpetuity – you have to put the work in, just as you do with romantic relationships. Schedule regular calls and hang-outs with friends, and be sure to pencil in a weekly, monthly or quarterly date, says Killam: “This way, you’re mutually committing to staying connected and making it easy to do so.”
She also advises to not overcomplicate things. For instance, “when a friend pops into your head, text them right then and there to say, ‘Thinking of you.’ It’s a quick way to let them know you care, and research suggests they will appreciate it more than you think.”
“Third places” can also be useful, says McEwan, referencing a sociology term. These are locations that make it easy to socially interact, live outside of the home (first place) and workplace (second place). Think, for example, of where Sex and the City’s Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte always congregate for lunch. Or the Boston-based Cheers bar where Sam, Diane and all the rest love to gather. These can also exist, to a degree, online, such as through Facebook or Reddit.
There’s no doubt platonic bonds can add value to our lives, and younger age groups are catching on, with 50 per cent of Gen Z and millennials saying they find friendship to be more important than romance, according to a recent survey from market research company YPulse.
Ultimately, says Killam, “We need friends to be socially healthy. As adults, it’s all too easy to feel like we don’t have enough bandwidth to make time for our friends, but connection is as important as exercise and sleep. It needs to be a priority.”
It’s also, as I’ve learned, a way to make incredible memories, develop new interests and fall in love in a different kind of way, one that also promises to see you, be there for you and create a safe space for you.