Illustration by Heidi Berton
Thanksgiving – any major holiday, really – is a lot of work for hosts. Not only do they have to plan a menu, buy the groceries, set the table and make sure there are no dust bunnies hiding in corners, they also have to manage the different personalities assembled around the table, who hopefully will all get along but, sometimes, do not.
The least a Thanksgiving dinner guest can do is be on their best behaviour, which means gracious, helpful and not a pain in the neck. As Toronto etiquette coach and celebrity butler Charles MacPherson notes: “Being a good guest involves more than showing up in your favourite elastic-waist pants.”
To ensure you are armed with the social graces that will help minimize a host’s stress – not add to it – we spoke to three Canadian etiquette gurus: MacPherson, best known as Charles the Butler on the former Marilyn Denis Show; Susy Fossati, founder of Toronto’s Avignon Etiquette; and Julie Blais Comeau, with etiquettejulie.com in Montreal. Here are their top 10 suggestions for how to be a guest who is always invited back.
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Respond – and arrive – on time
If you’re invited to Thanksgiving dinner, reply immediately. Don’t hem and haw – you’ll look like you’re waiting for a better offer, and the host needs to know how many people are coming, says MacPherson. On the day of, show up on time, which means not too early or too late. “Fifteen minutes after the appointed time is ideal,” he says. “Never arrive before the bell because your host is likely still running around trying to prep food, chill drinks, light candles et cetera.” There is no such thing as being fashionably late when a meal is being served. “It’s just rude,” he says, adding that if you’re running 15 minutes behind, phone or text.
Tell the host in advance of any food allergies/concerns
If you’re vegan, or have a shellfish or a nut allergy, let your host know right away; not so they can tailor a meal to suit your needs (they’re not running a restaurant) but dietary restrictions matter to hosts who want everyone to feel they like matter, says Fossati. “If they like you enough to invite you to their home, they probably won’t mind nixing the shrimp cocktail appetizer or serving candied walnuts on the side instead of tossed in with the arugula salad.” She also suggests offering to bring a dish that suits your needs as it will take some pressure off the cook.
Bring something – even if your host says it’s not necessary
If your host insists, “Just bring yourself,” don’t listen. Chances are they don’t really mean it. A thoughtful gesture is always appreciated. At this time of year, Fossati creates her own gift baskets with seasonal items such as local preserves, fresh apples and homemade cider. “These are things they can use, and they make for a good conversation piece.” If the host does ask you to bring a specific dish for the meal, bring that and only that. This is not the time to be experimenting with new Instagram recipes.
Ask about attire
If you’re not sure what to wear, ask. There is no harm in sending a quick text. Some families are strictly jeans and sweats, while others want cocktail attire. If the host stipulates casual, that doesn’t mean jeans with holes. Your host has done a lot of prep, so make an effort.
Avoid the dreaded “P” words – politics or anything polemic
Come prepared with neutral conversation starters about topics that people find interesting, says Blais Comeau. Here’s a few suggestions: “Have you watched a great TV series or read a good book lately?”; “Did you travel somewhere this summer?” “How have the kids settled back into school?” The key is to show genuine interest, so listen attentively and make eye contact. It is always wise to avoid topics that polarize opinions, especially when someone might hold a view opposite to yours, she says.
Offer to help but don’t be a nuisance
Offer to lend a hand but not in a vague, wishy-washy way such as, “Can I do anything to help?” Be more specific, says MacPherson, and perhaps phrase it like this: “I’m great at chopping onions”, “Do you need help serving drinks?” or “Can I play fetch with the dog so he’s not underfoot?” If the host declines all offers of help, listen and steer clear of the kitchen. The area between the oven, sink and refrigerator is a no-loitering zone while the meal is under way.
Good table manners still matter
We’re living in a world where table manners are going sideways, says MacPherson. “But they are still important, and people will judge you if you lack them.” Here are some of his do’s and don’ts: If you don’t like something, still take a spoonful, even if you just push it around on your plate; always put your napkin on your lap; never put your elbows on the table; don’t hold your fork and knife “like you’re going to war and carve your meat like a ninja warrior,” he says. And, finally, keep your mouth closed when chewing – remember others have to watch and listen to you.
Give your kids some loving guidance
You don’t want to overload children with too much information on table manners just before arriving, says Blais Comeau, it will overwhelm them. A day or two in advance, remind them of etiquette basics such as wait to be served, don’t eat with your mouth full, do not complain about what is on the plate, and use please, thank you and no thank you. Never say things such as: “Don’t embarrass me.” Or correct them publicly if they make a mistake. “Lecturing your kids at the table doesn’t make for a good guest,” she says.
No electronics at the table
Nothing disrupts the flow of a dinner party conversation faster than when people start checking their phones. “For an hour or two, show respect for your hosts and the other dinner guests: put away your cellphone and concentrate on them,” says Fossati, who adds exceptions include young parents worried about babysitters at home, or doctors on call.
Don’t overstay your welcome
After the meal, your hosts are most likely tired, and they have a mountain of dishes to deal with. However, never dash out as soon as the dessert forks go down. Protocol suggests lingering for about an hour after the pumpkin pie is served. You also don’t want to be the guest who hangs around like a bad smell. “Don’t be the last to leave unless you’re actually washing that mountain of dishes,” says MacPherson.
Thank the host
A text message as a thank you does not cut it, says MacPherson. An e-mail is fine, but a handwritten card is best. Put some thought into it. Compliment the food and tell the host why the evening meant so much to you. “Be gracious with your gratitude,” he says. “It is Thanksgiving, after all.”