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Trapped by COVID and tipsy. That was me during the pandemic. Like many, I was locked down and looped, cloistered and “half cut,” to use my Maritime mom’s expression for being a little drunk.
White wine spritzers became my COVID crutch. “Oh but it’s half soda water,” I justified. Some comedian once quipped that drinking a spritzer is like spitting in your wine. I preferred soda water to spit but strangely the pinot grigio bottle was emptier than the soda water bottle at the end of the night.
I do come from a long line of Irish drinkers. You know that expression, “drunk uncle?” Well, I had several. After every St. Patrick’s Day celebration, one of those uncles always vowed to give up drinking for a month. So following the family tradition, I gave up my wine spritzers on St. Patrick’s Day, March 17, 2022.
The first thing I did when I gave up real wine was take a deep dive into alcohol-free alternatives.
My local B.C. liquor store is still a bit stingy in the non-alcoholic wine section. But a quick search led me to several Canadian online outlets offering a wide variety of options. Turns out, it’s a bubbling little industry. There’s a surprising array of alcohol-free drinks on offer: beer, wine, mixed drinks, spirits.
So I ordered many for a taste test. I included selections from Australia, Germany, France and California. The cases arrived at my door and I eagerly uncorked (yes, some are corked like real wine), unscrewed the caps, even snapped open a few cans of sparkling varieties. A couple went straight down the drain instead of down the hatch. But, quelle surprise, some rosés, rieslings, whites and sparkling brands are totally drinkable.
One non-alcoholic pinot gris from Australia actually tastes better than some garden variety pinots I downed in my real wine drinking days. Surprisingly many of my fave AFBEVS (see, I’ve learned a whole new lingo: that stands for alcohol-free beverages) are now sold out when I go back to reorder. So I guess I’m not the only one who has hopped on the less boozy bandwagon.
Thankfully, I was not a red wine lover, because those reds, hmmm, don’t have legs. I’m not a fine wine connoisseur but I don’t think any amount of decanting or aging would help. Most reds I tried were certainly not full bodied. They lacked any body at all.
So some fake fine wines have gotten me through the past two years, happily enjoying happy hours with a wine glass in my hand. Alcohol-free beer is also surprisingly good. And grocery stores carry lots of those no-booze brews. I regularly partake in a brand called Partake.
In fact whole sections of my local Safeway are now suddenly booming with alcohol-free options. Mocktails abound. But I’m still waiting for a mock margarita that makes me go olé!
Introducing my friends and dinner companions to my new obsession is a kick. I think they suspect that I’ve become sober and sanctimonious, joined the ranks of the righteous. I get the ubiquitous eye roll, the buzz kill look, humouring me when I offer a sip or a glass of my current fave,
“Hmmm. It tastes okay, but no thanks, I don’t need a refill.”
Dining out is still tricky and triggering. There aren’t many zero-alcohol wines at restaurants. Note to restaurants: Get with the program. It’s a growing trend. Think “Canada Dry” – eh!
I would definitely without embarrassment order a tall nine ounce (no, not six oz) glass of a faux vintage to accompany my fine meal. But I usually have to settle for a spritzer without the wine. Yup, that’s just soda water.
There are a couple of added perks thanks to my trip from tipsy to teetotaller. I’m no longer tempted to engage in a late night spritzer-fuelled political argument with a stranger on Facebook. And I’m 10 pounds lighter, yup downright soberlicious. I’ll drink (alcohol-free, of course) to that.
Marlene McArdle lives in Nelson, B.C.