With some planning, communication and emotionally intelligent parenting, celebrating the holidays as a blended family can actually be quite rewarding.Getty Images
If celebrating the holidays with your blended family feels more like The Nightmare Before Christmas than It’s a Wonderful Life, you’re not alone.
Even in the most straightforward families – two parents still together, with 2.5 kids – this time of year can fray nerves. Factor in stepparents, stepsiblings and the nuanced dynamics of a blended family, and the holiday season can become even more complicated.
Luckily, with some planning, communication and emotionally intelligent parenting, celebrating the holidays as a blended family can actually be quite rewarding – and even a little merry.
You can avoid a lot of pitfalls simply by talking to your kids about their hopes and expectations for the holidays ahead of time, especially for the first couple of years as a blended family.
“Sometimes adults forget to fill the kids in,” says Megan Vandersluys, a registered child and family counsellor based in Nanaimo, B.C. She explains that this can lead to anxiety about what’s to come or disappointment when things don’t go as they’d hoped. “We should try to make as much of the unknown known as we can so that kids aren’t having extra stress about what the holidays might look like. Prepare together – like, go shopping for decorations with them – and talk about it so they can wrap their heads around it.”
One of the perils of having a blended family is the inevitable friction that can result from kids who aren’t related being forced to live together (even if only part-time), and with everyone spending more time at home over the holidays, tensions can escalate.
But a few strategies can help keep the sniping to a minimum and even foster some stepsibling goodwill. Start with activities, like age-appropriate crafts, baking and games, says Jennifer Kolari, a child and family therapist who splits her time between Toronto and San Diego. “And when you’re playing games, have all the kids be on the same team against the parents. That kind of bonds them, and it can be really fun.”
She also suggests cutting down on all that togetherness just a bit. “It sounds counterintuitive, but you don’t have to do every single thing together,” says Kolari. “Sometimes it’s better to have one of you take the stepkids and one of you take the other kids and go do something. Because it’s less time that you’re all together, things often actually go better.”
She also encourages swapping offspring to give step-parents a chance to connect with stepkids. “You get to bond and see the joy and the interesting things about the other kids when they’re in a smaller group or one-on-one.”
Kolari also notes that it’s important to focus more on communication and connection than limit-setting. “And it’s not that step-parents shouldn’t do it. It’s just that they should always make sure that they are connecting before correcting.”
When it comes to keeping moods in check, Kolari stresses the importance of maintaining routine, especially for younger children.
“Routine tends to go out the window during the holidays, but kids really do need it,” she says. “They don’t have to go to bed at exactly the same time, but make sure they’re getting enough sleep and that there’s downtime for them. And little kids – especially what I call ‘gladiator kids,’ or really sassy kids – need a snack with protein in it every couple of hours.” Hummus and veggies rather than gingerbread men could mean a calmer, happier household.
Something that makes this time of year so special is tradition, and switching things up can be upsetting for children who look forward to certain things every year.
“If you always had coloured lights on the tree and then all of a sudden the stepfamily does something totally different, it can help to be aware of those rituals and traditions,” says Vandersluys. You might need to reach a compromise to appease everyone – say, coloured lights on the tree and white lights over the mantelpiece. Slowly establishing fun new traditions can give kids positive associations with their new family members.
Above all, remember to be both curious and understanding about what everyone is feeling. “Be empathetic if kids are not as excited or having some bigger feelings about the holidays,” says Vandersluys. “Like, ‘You didn’t make the decision for your family to go through this; you’re just along for the ride. That’s hard and I can empathize with that.’” One-on-one check-ins will keep you in the know and more prepared to deal with any upsets.