The first semester of high school can bring a wave of change during a crucial phase in personal development.Getty Images
Starting high school can be overwhelming – a bigger campus, new cellphone restrictions, more homework, shifting social dynamics, and the pressures of puberty. It’s a wave of change during a crucial phase of personal development.
They are discovering their autonomy and trying to figure out their identity, says Malika Chandra, a psychotherapist who specializes in child and adolescent therapy.
“They’re forming ideas about who they are, what they look like, who their friends are, what they want to study. And it’s just all at once,” says Chandra, who also works with adults and seniors and has seen first-hand the direct impact this period can have on adulthood.
As parents, how can we help our teenagers find their footing in this exciting yet intimidating new environment?
Set boundaries, stick to them
As teens explore their new-found sense of independence, they will inevitably test those limits. Create reasonable boundaries, explain and help them understand why they exist, then be consistent in enforcing them, experts say.
Take the new cellphone restrictions. Parents can apply some of those rules at home: no phone while doing homework or at the dinner table, for example, says Jennifer Schwartz, a veteran guidance counsellor with the Toronto District School Board who has also taught for more than two decades.
These rules are not meant as a punishment, she explains, but to wean them off distractions and their need for instant gratification.
“They don’t need everything immediately. We are doing them no favours by giving them everything instantly and not having to earn things. They don’t appreciate it,” says Schwartz, who has been a guidance counsellor for 17 years and is a parent to two teenagers herself.
Those big feelings matter
One of the most important things parents can do is listen and give them validation. Don’t minimize their struggles – what seems trivial to us may be extremely consequential to them.
“It’s important that the kids feel comfortable coming to you as a parent with whatever they’re with. So having that safe space of open communication is really important and beneficial,” says Chandra.
“Validation goes a long way. It’s surprising just how much that helps.”
It’s not black and white either. If your child is dealing with peer pressure, for example, acknowledge their feelings of uncertainty or frustration while also encouraging them to make confident, positive choices.
School stress is normal – here’s how to manage it
When it comes to academics, sit down with your teen and go over their course assignments, so you know what’s going on. Teach them to use their phone calendars, show them how to plan backward to ensure they hand their work in on time. If possible, create a homework space away from the bedroom, their stress-free zone.
Remind them it’s okay to feel anxious before a test or ask for help if they’re having trouble. Encourage self-advocacy, and instead of focusing solely on grades, emphasize effort and improvement.
“I don’t think that’s a very great strategy of constant punishment and reward, because it also undermines their natural tendency to want to learn and to want to be better,” says Chandra.
Build connections and foster support
Teens are not known for volunteering information, so parents should carve out time – even just a little bit – to ask questions and talk to them. If family dinner isn’t feasible, then a few minutes over breakfast, or during a car ride.
Schwartz emphasizes the importance of encouraging teens to find support systems outside the home.
Creating a connection through a common interest – encouraging them to join a club or sport, for example – helps make the adjustment less scary, she added, noting that kids who are involved tend to adjust better. Ask the school for resources if cultural and language barriers are part of the challenges.
“They’re never alone in any of this,” she says.
Look for signs when they need more help
Sometimes they may simply need some quiet time or space to talk about their feelings. If a teen is experiencing anxiety, guidance counsellors can ask teachers for accommodations, like extra time on a test, for example, without revealing the reason.
If you are concerned, they are going through something serious that requires professional help, or you’re simply not sure, don’t brush it off, the experts say. Take them to a doctor and don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. Tell the school as well; guidance counsellors can serve as a triage, with access to the experts who can help.
Let them face challenges
It’s natural to want to shield your child from all difficulties, but some struggle is healthy. Avoid comparing your teen to their peers. Just because a classmate appears to be adjusting seamlessly doesn’t mean your child is falling behind.
“There’s a fine balance between snowplowing our way through trying to fix everything for them,” says Schwartz, “and letting them learn these great skills that they will take with them into adulthood.”