There needs to be openness from both parties to truly understand where the other person is coming from, says one advisor.iStock
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While money issues rate as a top reason why couples fight, when spouses come from two different cultures that can add another layer to the squabbling, some advisors find.
“There can be clashes about the purpose of money,” says Natasha Knox, a fee-only certified financial planner (CFP) at Alaphia Financial Wellness in Vancouver.
“Sometimes, people get entrenched in a pattern of thinking, ‘This is my background, therefore, I am this way.’ But really, this should just be a starting point of discussion.”
The conversation needs to go further to explore the meaning of those values to the individual.
An example of a cultural financial dilemma is the best approach for assisting aging parents who have severe health care challenges. In some cultures, there may be an expectation to avoid institutional care and have adult children care for their parents in their homes, Ms. Knox says.
When there’s disagreement on this issue, it’s often due to value differences between the spouses about expectations around the role, and responsibilities of adult children toward their parents, or the relative importance that each spouse may place on values such as autonomy, interdependence, loyalty, fairness, or harmony, for example.
When dealing with these hot-button issues, Ms. Knox likes to explore the common values that brought the couple together in the first place.
“Digging deeper helps to build empathy and understanding between the two partners,” she says. “Sometimes, a spouse comes in and says, ‘It needs to be this way.’ If the goal of the spouses is to come to a place of resolution, then that rigidity needs to be parked at the door.”
There needs to be openness from both parties to understand where the other person is coming from, she adds. Perhaps the reason the couple is in a deadlock is because they don’t have the solution in front of them yet. But if both parties believe a solution can be found, that’s a good starting point, she says.
What advisors should not do is intervene with their own personal opinions on cultural nuances, says Shannon Lee Simmons, founder and CFP at The New School of Finance in Toronto. For example, she’s had some couples who had different beliefs on tithing. One spouse may feel it’s a non-negotiable amount in the family budget, while the other spouse may think tithing needs to be pared back.
“It’s not my call to say what they should give or add any insights about something like tithing,” she says. “All I can do is outline other things that have to come out of their budget or lifestyle spending to make room for tithing. I lay out all the financial options on the table and stick to the numbers.”
Tithing is typically pegged at a percentage of a family income. But in Ms. Simmons clients’ case, it turned out the family income decreased dramatically over the past year and the couple never adjusted the tithing amount to reflect the change. She says the couple then saw the need to make some fine-tuning.
‘Look at the value system’ of clients
Zainab Williams, CFP at Elleverity Wealth Management in Caledon, Ont., has also observed cultural financial clashes with some clients who have recently immigrated to Canada. Each of the spouses were from different countries.
Ms. Williams recalls one husband whose culture “favours flashiness and keeping up with appearances” while his spouse is more frugal and got upset at spending money on more material things. But Ms. Williams notes the husband found great joy in buying things he wanted without feeling constrained.
“It’s a good idea to listen to viewpoints first and then look at the actual value system that both of them have,” she explains.
“What I really found fascinating is once we looked at the budget, we realized the actual expense levels were the same even though the frequency was different. They were being spent on things they valued the most.”
Ms. Williams advised the couple to maintain their joint account for household expenses and goal funding, but also keep separate accounts where they can allocate specific amounts for their own spending.
Many clients are willing to evolve beyond what’s traditional in their home country due to life’s curveballs.
Ms. Williams recalls one client who defined his role as financially providing for his family, something emphasized in his culture. When he lost his job and his wife assumed the role of primary breadwinner, a role not common from her culture, he was happy to assume the role of main caregiver to his children.
“It was a non-issue for him to play a different role because his culture’s definition of being a provider in the family was not synonymous with money. Therefore, the roles were interchanged based on the needs of the family,” she says.
Ms. Williams says advisors need to approach these issues not from numbers, but from understanding why clients think a certain way. She cites the example of taking on a mortgage to buy a house. While that’s something commonplace for Canadians, it’s a new concept for recent newcomers who have arrived from countries that may not have a credit system. Purchasing homes in cash may be the norm in their home country.
“They’re looking to understand how to navigate the financial space without losing their values while also building a solid financial foundation,” she says. “These conversations are best approached from a space of respect and understanding.”
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