Westbound traffic funnels down to one lane as it approaches Leslie St.. Construction on the Eglinton Crosstown Line near Don Mills Road.Fred Lum/the Globe and Mail
The man in the Subaru in front of me is hedging his bets. We are both driving west on a four-lane street (two lanes running in either direction) and he is unsure if the car in the left lane is going to make a left turn at the lights ahead. Mr. Subaru wants to keep his options open. If the car is going left, he will veer right and drive through.
How does he accomplish this magical feat?
Simple. He straddles both lanes. He leaves no room on either side. He centres his Subaru on the hash marks dividing the lanes and drives a block and half, leaving the rest of us to trail along in his wake.
We just got straddled – hard.
This irritating (and potentially dangerous) habit is not an infraction in the Ontario Highway Traffic Act. The closest it gets is Section 154 (1 a) “Where a highway has been divided into clearly marked lanes for traffic, a vehicle shall not be driven from one lane to another lane or to the shoulder or from the shoulder to a lane unless the driver first ascertains that it can be done safely.”
Mr. Subaru ascertained that he could straddle safely. He was right. Once he occupied both lanes there was nothing anyone else on the road could do.
Straddlers are the “moving” manifestation of people who occupy two parking spaces.
They are arguably worse, however, because a car parked in two spaces, while infuriating, is not going to hit anyone or cause a crash.
There are times when a driver must straddle lanes, but gratuitous straddlers – those who do it out of spite, laziness or ignorance - can be dangerous. Over years of careful study, I’ve determined that they come in four main varieties.
The strategic: Mr. Subaru fits into this category. The Strategic straddler is employing a tactic. He can’t commit to his lane. He wants the flexibility occupying both provides. To the Strategic Straddler the lane divider is a no-man’s land ripe for the taking. Strategic straddlers are annoying and egotistical but at least they are paying attention.
The distracted: Distracted straddlers have no idea they are veering into another lane. It just happens. You can encounter them on any street or road. The most hair-raising distracted straddlers blaze along a 400-series highway at 140 kilometre an hour – on their phone or arguing with a loved one – and careen into another lane or weave back and forth along the lane divider. Adrenaline junkies pay a lot of money to go to Canada’s Wonderland just outside Toronto or Vancouver’s Playland Amusement Park. They could just as easily save their money and drive any stretch of the 401 or Highway 1 from Greater Vancouver to the Lower Mainland and they’ll get all the thrills and chills they can handle as distracted straddlers bob and weave obliviously along.
The zipper rippers: Unlike the strategic straddler, the zipper ripper straddles two lanes to block another vehicle. This occurs in heavy traffic when two lanes are diverted into a single lane. Drivers should use the zipper method to merge but not everyone is aware of this technique. Zipper rippers are annoyed by drivers who they believe are “cutting in line.” Solution? Straddle both lanes so the zipper method can’t be applied. Result? Zip ripped.
The drunk: There are clear signs that a person is inebriated; for instance, a loss of coordination, flushed face, bloodshot eyes, loud and/or slurred speech, clammy wet skin, personality changes, aggression, drowsiness and the conviction that tomorrow will be better accompanied by the searing knowledge that it never will - to name a few. When imbibers climb into their automobiles and combine driving with their liver exercises they show symptoms on the road – one of the most glaring is lane straddling. Drunk straddlers weave back and forth with no regard for themselves and others.
Look, not all straddling is wrong. You can straddle a fence, investment options or a political line. It can be pleasant to sit astride something, such as a horse, jet ski or bicycle. At family functions and holidays, it’s fun to favour or seem to favour two apparently opposite sides. It makes your relatives angry and that’s fun.
I find ideas stick better when they rhyme. Straddle is tough - it rhymes with paddle and skedaddle, so forget that one. So, here it goes:
Don’t be a pain, stay in your lane.