The Road Sage Guide to happy driving and parking this holiday season

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Three thieves executed a brazen smash-and-grab robbery of the Cartier store display window at Toronto’s Yorkdale mall on Tuesday evening. The suspects escaped with an undisclosed amount of jewellery. After the robbery, one question was no doubt uppermost in the minds of the detectives investigating the case – how did the thieves find parking at Yorkdale mall during the Christmas season?

How does anyone find parking anywhere this time of year? How can anyone drive – period.

The Christmas season is a time of peace and goodwill, but not if you are in an automobile. If you dare to drive during the run-up to Christmas Day, you will encounter what Charles Dickens described in A Christmas Carol as “ignorance and want” in the form of fellow motorists.

Yet, there is no need to suffer. Here is a clear, comprehensive guide to happy driving in the holiday season.

The Road Sage Guide to Christmas

Driving: Don’t. The best way to avoid the frustration caused by driving during the holiday season is not to drive. By not driving, you avoid enraged merry-makers, construction delays, bad weather and icy conditions. If you really want to cut down on stress, don’t use public transportation. Still not relaxed enough? You may also want to cut out walking outside your home. Consider not celebrating Christmas at all. Postpone gift-giving and mistletoe until Burns Day on Jan. 23, 2024.

Parking: Just as Mary and Joseph sought shelter in Bethlehem, so too do drivers who search for parking before Christmas, but with worse results. Mall parking lots are crammed by opening time. Drivers circle endlessly seeking a free parking space. Christmas is the season people stake out mall parking spaces.

Mall parking lots resemble purgatory, except that purgatory doesn’t have electric signs that tell souls languishing there how many spots are available in heaven. Also, souls in purgatory who have atoned for their sins by undergoing “satispassion,” the purifying suffering which re-establishes holiness and justice, do not then go into debt buying gifts they can’t afford.

Street parking: The increased volume of shoppers means that street parking, which is normally scarce in most cities, becomes even more scant. But don’t worry, there will still be plenty of drivers engaging in poor parking. Drivers will take up more than one spot because they can’t be bothered to nudge forward when completing their parking job. And parking enforcement will be out to make sure municipal coffers get their share of the holiday bounty from illegal parkers.

Collateral damage: What if you don’t celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ? Well … to paraphrase an observation attributed to Leon Trotsky, “You may not be interested in Christmas, but Christmas is interested in you.” It doesn’t matter what you believe, no one escapes Christmas driving chaos. You might be simply trying to get to the grocery store to buy a few things, but you will face the same challenges and irritations. Take solace by eating a Terry’s Chocolate Orange.

Entertainment: Christmas is a time for pantomimes, magic and trite adaptations of A Christmas Carol. For some, a trip to the ballet to see The Nutcracker is a Yuletide tradition. But why spend big money to see a dance inspired by a short story in which a Mouse Queen, angered at the death of her children, swears to take revenge when you can watch a wintry improvised smash-up derby for free. I’m referring to the All-Season Follies, which is held every year when a big snowfall hits. On this day, drivers who don’t believe in snow tires slip-slide away, crashing and bumping their way to insurance hell.

Gifts: Christmas is a time for giving. This is true for holiday season driving. In the weeks before Dec. 25, it is customary for strangers to give each other gifts. We call these gifts “dents.” There are no statistics, but it’s certain that millions upon millions of dents are given each Yuletide between people who have never (and will never) meet one another. If you return to your vehicle after a light jaunt through the mall and find a bright new shiny dent banged into your door, congratulations, that’s the wonder of Christmas.

Commuting: Let’s face it, there is never a good time to commute. Traffic congestion is bad and getting worse. Don’t fight this troubling fact during the Christmas season. Instead, yield to it. Embrace it. When you find yourself spending 45 minutes on a drive that should take 20, don’t wallow in exasperation, use this time to remember that on Dec. 25, God was made man in the person of a tiny baby, born of the Virgin Mary. Remember he came to give the world hope, joy and love. Skip the part where mankind crucifies him a little over three decades later.

Merry Christmas driving to all!