Four punctured tires in seven months. Bad luck or bad driving?

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Driving legend Oscar Wilde said it best when he wrote: “To puncture one tire may be regarded as a misfortune; to puncture more than one looks like carelessness.”

Which makes me very, very careless. I’ve had four punctured tires in the past seven months. Prior to this streak, I’d been mostly puncture-free (ego not included).

After tire No. 4, I asked my mechanic if my case was unique. Was I doing something wrong? Driving too fast? “I’ve seen people with more,” he said with a shrug. “Some people get unlucky.”

It made sense. There was no way I could be responsible for my misfortune. It had to be fate. A glance at my horoscope bore the theory out. Sure enough, Bridgestone was in retrograde. Michelin was moving out of Aries, my protective sector, and then transiting through construction. Goodyear was in the eleventh house of repair, frustration and confusion.

“Maybe somebody is puncturing your tires,” my wife suggested. For some reason, the idea of someone hating me so much they spent hours methodically vandalizing my car made perfect sense to her (granted, she does live with me). Even so, her hypothesis didn’t make sense.

While it’s true there are those who wish me ill – enough to puncture 24 tires or more – the nail-plus-tire-equals-revenge theory doesn’t stand up to examination. Slashed tires are no accident, but it is near-impossible to sabotage a tire with a nail. No, the menace behind my misfortune was far more mundane. There were no grand designs, just banal happenstance.

I put on some thinking music and made a list of the five most common causes of flat tires and solutions:

1. Sharp objects: Nails, screws, broken glass, any sort of similar debris. How to avoid: Do not drive.
2. Poor road conditions: Construction, potholes, broken pavement. How to avoid: Do not drive.
3. Wear and tear: Tires get worn down the more you use them. How to avoid: Do not drive.
4. Improper inflation: According to Transport Canada, “about 50 per cent of the vehicles on the road in Canada have at least one tire that is either over- or underinflated by more than 10 per cent. In fact, 10 per cent of all vehicles surveyed had at least one tire underinflated by 20 per cent.” This is dangerous. Overinflated tires are more vulnerable to tread cuts, side wall damage and impact damage. Underinflated tires wear down more quickly and create increased friction, which leads to excessive heating. This can cause a blowout. How to avoid: Inflate properly.
5. Valve stem leakage: A damaged vale stem can cause a slow leak. How to avoid: Check valve.

In my case, only the first two offenders applied. I have my tires changed, checked and rotated twice a year, and the set that sustained four punctures were 2021 Bridgestone run-flat tires, not exactly old and worn. My tire-puncture calamity was obviously a combination of poor road conditions and sharp objects. My sole mistake – driving.

Most Canadian cities are giant neon-orange construction sites (Toronto is essentially a construction site with a city in it). Nails, screws and sharp objects litter the ground like so many sharp, screwy, nail things littering the ground. Canadian highways are more pockmarked than an 18th-century Drury Lane rake on a mercury cleanse. Country roads are about as even and flat as month-old apple crumble.

The only solution to punctured tires is to admit we are powerless and trust a higher power. As the soldiers prayed in 1704 before the Battle of Blenheim: “O God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul!”

You can also get a warranty.

When I bought my Mini Cooper Countryman, I was well aware of the disasters that are our streets, how severe our weather can be and all the sharp objects lurking about. So I purchased the tire and rim protection for $1,475 (plus tax).

At the time, I was conflicted about the purchase. Would I really need it? Was I throwing money away? What if nothing went wrong? Noting that I have never met anyone who was angry because they didn’t get to cash in their life insurance, I decided that if everything was okay, I could handle it.

As fate would have it, everything was not okay – at least not tire-wise.

Bridgestone run-flat tires cost $427.03 each, plus tax and labour. The total (so far) is $1708.12, before tax and labour. Run-flat tires can rarely be repaired, although some shops will attempt a patch if the puncture is close to the middle tread (if it’s too close to the shoulder, it must be replaced). As a rule, tires should only be patched once. If the interior and exterior have been compromised by low tire pressure, the tire must be replaced.

By my calculations, the warranty not only saved me money, I’m in the black, with many more months and possible punctures on the horizon. Is this good luck or bad luck? Who’s to say?

I suppose Oscar Wilde was right. “Life is never fair,” he wrote in An Ideal Husband (or said after winning the 1981 Dayton 500). “And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.”

Oscar Wilde – that guy understood the loss of innocence and the assertion of individuality as framed by late 19th-century English social and sexual mores.

That and tires.

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