Dear Ms. Swift,
On behalf of all Canadians, I would like to extend to you an unreserved apology. By now you have no doubt heard that in November the City of Toronto intends to temporarily rename a downtown route that stretches along John Street and Queen Street West “Taylor Swift Way.” It will run from Nathan Phillips Square to the Rogers Centre, the venue where you will be performing six sold-out concerts as part of your Eras Tour.
I can only imagine what you must be thinking.
I know that if a city with the third-worst traffic in the world, with congestion so bad that 86 per cent of inhabitants believe there is a “congestion crisis,” and more than half are considering moving because traffic is so terrible, named one of those congested streets after me I would be (at best) confused and (at worst) deeply offended. How, you may wonder, is this a tribute? When a dog is done doing her business, it doesn’t trot over to its owner and say, “Hey, who do you think we should name that after?”
Let me assure you that you in no way invited this denigration.
I write about driving and I can tell you that Canadians have a thing with streets, particularly in Toronto. They make a big deal about them, while at the same time ignoring their maintenance and care. As far as I can see, the renaming was supposed to be an honour. “It’s our way to show Taylor she’s the one we’ve been waiting for,” wrote Deputy Mayor Jennifer McKelvie, who submitted the motion which will be deliberated today. “That she has brought us much happiness and that we will love her evermore.”
Ms. Swift. You are a once-in-a-lifetime talent with superhuman charisma, sublime musical ability and business acumen. Please believe me when I tell you that there is not a single right-thinking person in Canada who thinks naming the clogged construction zone that is John Street and Queen Street West after you is an appropriate way to show that we will love you evermore.
Let’s assume those involved were well-meaning. Could they not have been a little more original?
Other cities have been far more creative. The German town of Gelsenkirchen was renamed “Swiftkirchen” in the singer’s honour for her Eras Tour dates. Glendale, Ariz. renamed itself “Swift City” in 2023. Tampa Bay gave her the key to the city and made her an honorary mayor for a day. Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey is renaming Prince’s hometown “Swiftieapolis.”
Let’s be charitable. Congestion in Toronto is so terrible that performers – such as John Mulaney and One Direction member Niall Horan – have had to walk to their concerts rather than leave audiences waiting. Perhaps city council thought it would be appropriate to give your name to the streets you will likely be forced to walk on to get to your performances, like “Philosopher’s Walk” near the University of Toronto.
If we really wish to show our appreciation for you, arguably the most influential performer of our time, why not rename something we truly cherish? Why not rename Niagara Falls “Taylor Swift Falls.” Why not rename the “Art Gallery of Ontario” the “Taylor Swift Gallery of Ontario.”
Why not rename Connor McDavid “Taylor Swift.”
Better yet, why not follow the example of “Manilow Street” in Scarborough, a nice quiet road that has the same name as Barry Manilow, and if legend proves correct, might just have been named after the man many consider the No. 1 undisputed adult contemporary artist of all time. I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure that “Hot Tonight for Manilow,” Canada’s only Manilow fan club, had the street named permanently after the singer in the mid-1980s. To the 50-person club, Manilow was their drug, or their “non-drug [for] therapy or stress reduction,” as club member Michelle Dunford told me in 1991.
“Hot Tonight for Manilow” reminds me a bit of your fans today. They were people united by a passionate appreciation for an artist’s music, a deep desire to connect and celebrate with others and a positive, optimistic take on life.
There may be some good that comes out of all this. While it is insulting to name Toronto streets after anyone or anything, let alone celebrities, this embarrassing exercise may turn out to reveal a hidden source of revenue.
The city should consider threatening to rename Toronto streets after global billionaires. For instance, no one can utter the words “Gardiner Expressway” without spitting. Toronto city council should send a letter to Elon Musk stating that if he does not give Toronto $100-million by the end of August, we will rename it the “Elon Musk Expressway.” Likewise, city council should write Jeff Bezos saying that unless he pays the city $250-million, we will rename Liberty Village “Bezosville.” This neighbourhood is such a transit disaster that residents are routinely stuck inside it like prisoners. A friend who lives there says it can take up to an hour to get out.
None of which does anything to mitigate the unforgivable insult you will receive in November if the “Taylor Swift Way” renaming motion passes today. Again, we’re sorry.
Ms. Swift. I have faith you in. You will no doubt shake it off.