While writing the Road Sage column, I’ve encountered a lot of not-sound ideas, but of all the not-sound ideas in the world, Doug Ford’s plan to build a 55-kilometre tunnel under Highway 401 (a mega-mega-tunnel) is the not-soundiest. In fact, it may just be the worst idea in the history of the world.
When I first heard of it last week, I thought I was having a flashback to November, 1983, when, at age 17, I accidentally smoked PCP. I was in Victoria playing a Nepean Norsemen exhibition football game. After a night celebrating, I took a taxi, and the driver offered me a joint. We shared it, and then the driver informed me it was laced. Fast-forward 20 minutes and I was hallucinating quarters the size of Frisbees. I wound up getting picked up in a phone booth by Victoria law enforcement. I was so high I offered the officers a program from the game as my identification.
Ontario premier Doug Ford’s plan is more delusional.
His mega-mega-tunnel would be the world’s longest. Experts say it would cost $60-billion, which, when you work in the “Toronto Factor,” means it would take 121 years to complete and end up costing $238-billion.
What about the issue of security. This is an important consideration. Why?
“For someone to build a 55-kilometre tunnel so I can blow it up,” is what most terrorists say when asked what they want for their birthdays. How on Earth do you prevent a 55-kilometre tunnel from being attacked? Are you going to search every tunnel-bound vehicle? The Chunnel that connects England to France is only 50 kilometres and nobody is allowed to drive in it.
Then there’s basic common sense. Has anyone ever been stuck in gridlock for hours on Highway 401 and thought, “You know what would make this better? If I was in a tunnel.”
Aside from being vulnerable to terrorist attack, a mega-mega-tunnel would be a construction nightmare. At a news conference, Ford was asked about Boston’s notorious “Big Dig.” In 1991, Boston began construction on a mega-tunnel. It took 25 years to complete and was the most expensive highway construction in U.S. history. “That’s not going to happen here,” Ford said of the ordeal. “We’re experts at tunnelling.”
No, Premier, you are confused. We’re not experts at tunnelling, we’re experts at digging ourselves into holes. We’re also pretty good at burying our heads in the sand.
Ford dismissed his doubters. “I know this is an ambitious idea and that some people will say it can’t be done or that we shouldn’t even try. But these are the same people who oppose every project ... Every proposal to get people out of gridlock and get our province moving, they say no.”
In other words, the kind of people I wish I had with me back in 1983 when I thought an “ambitious idea” would be for me to smoke a joint with a Victoria taxi driver.
Look, I am a car guy. I support public transit because it leaves more room on the road for me. I’m white, I’m male, I love cars and I suffer from drug flashbacks. Premier Ford, I’m your demographic. If you’re losing me, you know you have a seriously flawed plan.
Despite its utter lack of merit, some support the mega-mega-tunnel. The Toronto Region Board of Trade issued a statement: “We need big and bold ideas and a transit line under Highway 401 is exactly the kind of visionary thinking governments should pursue.”
It’s comments like that one that reveal Canada is a nation in deep denial about its automobile dependence. What if we only drive on special occasions? What if we cut back to two drives a day? What if we dig a mega-mega-tunnel?
Sorry, you cannot move a population the size of the Greater Toronto Area primarily by automobile. Not one major metropolis does. Not London. Not Paris. Not Shanghai. Not New York City. Not Mexico City. None. Even Los Angeles is weaning itself from the automobile. That’s why, when the Tom Tom Traffic Index is released later this year, Toronto may have the worst congestion in the world.
All Ford has to do is take the $60-billion and give it to public transit, which is underfunded across the country. The entire Toronto Transit Commission operating budget is a measly $2.6-billion. Vancouver’s Translink budget is $2.37-billion. Montreal’s Société de transport de Montréal is $1.77-billion. He wouldn’t even have to change the document. Just do a simple “find and replace” that puts “public transit” where “big stupid tunnel” is.
Premier Ford is too smart to be serious. The only viable explanation is that Ford’s plan to build a $60-billion, 55-kilometre mega-mega-tunnel is a clever ruse to make his inevitable second plan to build an $8-billion, 14-kilometre tunnel look rational. Worked for me. After Victoria 1983, I never smoked another joint.
Can you dig it?