Four rules to have a learning conversation and be a supercommunicator

Communication is the essential tool of managers – indeed, of everyone in the workplace. “Communication is the air that we breathe,” best-selling author Charles Duhigg writes in his new book, Supercommunicators. “The right conversation, at the right moment, can change everything.”

But conversations can be hard. Mr. Duhigg, with a Harvard Business School MBA and a journalistic career in written communication, found himself struggling when asked to lead a relatively complex work project. And he wasn’t so hot on the home front either. Sensing he wasn’t alone in his confusion, he set out to research conversations and came away with two central findings.

The first is that many discussions are actually three intertwined conversations: What’s this really about, how do we feel and who are we? The practical decision-making conversations that managers generally prize focus on sorting out what an issue is really about. But there is also an emotional aspect to conversations – how do we really feel? And there are also social aspects to conversations as people working together explore who they are, individually and collectively.

“We are often moving in and out of all three conversations as a dialogue unfolds. However, if we aren’t having the same kind of conversation as our partners, at the same moment, we’re unlikely to connect with each other,” he writes.

His second core idea is that our goal for most meaningful discussions should be to have a learning conversation. It’s not to get to a quick decision. It’s to learn how the people around us understand the world and help them to understand our perspectives. That means hearing more clearly. It means connecting at a deeper level – even with people you work with regularly and feel you know at some depth.

Research by Beau Sievers, of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Laboratory, and colleagues has found that when we connect with others, absorbing what they say, our brains to some degree become aligned – what is called neurally entrained. And some people are more adept at achieving this state and bringing others along.

Unexpectedly, the researchers found strong leaders do not help people align. In fact, groups with the strongest leaders in the research experiments had the least amount of neural synchrony. Dominant people in conversations tend to push everyone else back into their own separate thoughts – no learning conversation occurring.

The most successful communicators tended to speak less than dominant leaders and often that was primarily to ask questions. They repeated others ideas, helping the group align, and were quick to admit to their own confusion or make fun of themselves. They encouraged others, indicating when they liked an idea and asking for more thoughts. They laughed at others’ jokes. “They didn’t stand out as particularly talkative or clever, but when they spoke everyone listened closely. And, somehow, they made it easier for people to speak up. They made conversations flow,” Mr. Duhigg reports.

The researchers call them high centrality participants. Mr. Duhigg calls them supercommunicators.

These people tended to ask 10 to 20 times as many questions as other participants, something to consider as you watch yourself and others in conversations over the coming days. When the group got stuck, they would bring up a new topic or when silence occurred tell a joke, allowing a break from the intensity of the conversation.

“But the most important difference between high centrality participants and everyone else was that the high centrality participants were constantly adjusting how they communicated, in order to match their companions. They subtly reflected shifts in other people’s moods and attitudes. When someone got serious, they matched that seriousness. When a discussion went light, they were the first to play along. They changed their minds frequently and let themselves be swayed by their groupmates,” Mr. Duhigg writes.

He offers four rules for a learning conversation:

• Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring: The most effective communicators pause before they open their mouth. You need to know what kind of discussion others want at this time. Do they want to be helped in a practical way, hugged or heard?
• Share your goals and ask what others are seeking: Prepare before the conversation. During it ask questions, notice clues about how others are acting and experiment by adding ideas and items to the discussion.
• Ask about others’ feeling, and share your own: This gets into values, beliefs, judgments or experiences – not facts. He offers these examples: “How do you feel about…?” or “why do you think he’s angry” or “how would you feel if that happened to you?” He stresses that these deep questions should feel like sharing, a chance to reveal more of ourselves.
• Explore if identities are important in this conversation: This is vital as our social identities shape our worlds. Obviously, recognizing identities and their role in conversations must avoid blame, shame or attacks. A supercommunicator will draw out multiple identities, asking people about their backgrounds, communities, organizations and causes they support. They work to ensure everyone is on an equal footing, with an equal voice and the same ability to speak. They acknowledge people’s experiences and look for genuine similarities.

That’s a tall order. But communicating is a tall order, critical to our workplace and careers.

Cannonballs

• In reference checking, to find the all-important candidates with a growth mindset, tech executive Anique Drumright suggests asking, “Would you hire this person for almost any role?” Vishal Kapoor, senior director of product management at Shipt delivery service, prefers: “What was an experience where you saw the candidate grow?”
• Research has shown men apply for a job when they meet only 60 per cent of the qualifications, but women apply only if they meet 100 per cent of them. To get past that barrier, Harvard Business School professor Katherine Coffman’s research shows you need to make it easier for candidates to know whether they are qualified. When organizations ask for specific levels of experience and skills, more women who meet those requirements are likely to apply.
• A recent survey from remote job search site Jobera found 20 per cent of respondents said having their own bathroom while working from home is a “total game changer” and a key reason they don’t want to return to offices. Journalist Hailey Mensik reports some employers are paying greater attention to their bathrooms, looking to add more single-stall bathrooms or at least redesign communal bathroom stalls to be better enclosed and offer more privacy.

Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn’t Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.