Be nice to people on your way up – you’ll meet them on your way down.
This was a valuable piece of advice I received about 20 years ago, when working in an intermediate role for a health-care provider. Recently, I was at an event that caused me to run into many people I first met when I was starting my career, triggering many memories of those that were instrumental in shaping the way I treat others, especially those on their way up.
Like a restaurant experience, we often talk about the way we were treated at work: both the good experiences, and the bad. I am not talking about small incivilities such as not returning phone calls (although that is bad, too). Instead, I’m referring to being unhelpful to the point of being discouraging and intimidating. Such behaviour leaves a lasting impression on someone, and they will not forget it. There was a time 20 years ago when someone told me I did not have what it takes to make it in the field I was pursuing. Seven years after that, when I was in a leadership role and in the position to hire a public relations firm, she contacted me. I was honest – telling her my experience with her was so bad that I will never hire her, or her firm.
These negative experiences go beyond the first point of contact. Recently, a friend was telling me a similar story. Even though it was 25 years ago, she remembers the name, where she was when she read the letter of rejection (no e-mail back then), and how it made her feel. Not only will she not do business with the person in question, but her company will not. Based on the story, likely neither will I.
This may sound like holding a grudge – and in some respects it is. Just like remembering someone who helped us, we remember those who did not. Being disrespectful or outright rude does not make someone ignore you or go away or stop calling. Instead they will remember forever how you treated them.
The world of work calls for everyone to play their part in ensuring others get a chance to realize their aspirations, stay motivated and, in turn, do good things for others. This is not hard, so long as we remember a few, simple points:
Don’t be demotivating or discouraging.
Especially at the start of one’s career, reaching out for help or even to just make contact takes courage. A smackdown just to assert self-importance will not do anything but ingrain in that person’s mind that you are someone not to hire, do business with or refer to anyone.
Don’t think you will get away with it.
Whatever you say or do to others will be remembered and will come back to haunt you. Just like that bad restaurant experience, you will be spoken about over and over again as someone who was unhelpful and rude. Some time in the future, it will not matter what context you come up in; your tainted reputation will follow you.
Don’t think about yourself.
You may have had it easy, being in the right place or right time so that you have never felt the need to seek help in your career. So why help others? Or, you may have had to tolerate incivility when you were building your career, so why shouldn’t others? It does not matter what you went through. What matters is you being able to see past your own experience and focus on being a good person to someone else.
What you do is self-explanatory – or it should be.
Be helpful, courteous and supportive while someone is in the process of building their network and their career. That means give them some time, some encouraging advice and resources you may have to help them further their cause. Be willing to share some relevant contacts. And, if after reading this story you trigger a memory of some less-than-acceptable behaviour you displayed to someone as they were building their career, then own up to it. It is never too late for an acknowledgement, or an apology for that matter.
Just like a bad restaurant experience is rarely forgotten and forever talked about, people remember how others treated them, especially if they were in a position of vulnerability. How you treat them when it’s your turn to do a favour will determine whether they, in the future, pay it forward or pay it back.
Eileen Dooley is a principal and executive coach in the leadership practice of Odgers Berndtson, global executive search and leadership advisory firm.
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