I’m 30 – why does it feel like everyone else is further ahead professionally?

Women in their 20s and 30s may feel pressure to achieve professional milestones before having kids.Frazao Studio Latino/Getty Images

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Ask Women and Work

Question: I recently turned 30 and I feel like I haven’t accomplished enough by now, especially compared to others in my social circle. It’s very discouraging. What can I do to move forward?

We asked Sarah Stockdale, founder and CEO, Growclass, to tackle this one:

First off, new friend, I’m going to tell you something that your brain might try to reject, but stick with me. You’re not behind. Most of the markers of success that folks post on LinkedIn in their 20s are elaborate cosplay. ‘If I look successful, people will think I’m successful.’ Most of those people aren’t really doing the things they’re saying they’re doing. And even if they are, it might not be bringing them the kind of fulfilment and joy that you expect it to.

But it does make sense that turning 30 would make someone feel behind, because when we graduate, it feels like we’re handed an accomplishment scavenger hunt: Go and prove that you are a worthy adult. Go get the new gold stars, whether that’s titles or followers or speaking engagements. That’s how we measure ourselves because that’s what the academic system told us to do. But like a friend and mentor of mine, Drew Dudley, says, when you look at that list of accomplishments that you feel like you have to chase, it’s very likely that you didn’t make that list. It was handed to you by your parents or university professors or sports coaches. And when you chase those accomplishments down, it doesn’t feel like success.

I know this from experience. When I was in my 20s, I chased a director role at a tech startup really hard. I flew all over the world doing a lot of ridiculous work to get this director role. And when I got it, I spontaneously started crying in the meeting and had a panic attack. I thought I would feel worthy and accomplished, and instead I was terrified and exhausted and burnt out, because it wasn’t something that I wanted, it was something that I thought would look good.

Your 20s are to figure out what your list is. Think of it less as a race and more of a garden that you’re just starting to plant. Take this time in your 20s and early 30s to develop relationships and build a real network, because most of your professional breaks are going to come from the people you know. Invest in figuring out what you actually care about, what is exciting and enticing, what lights you up intellectually, creatively, socially, professionally. And then start to craft your list from there. You’re probably going to be wrong about some things. Not all the seeds you plant are going to grow into anything, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start again. There’s no such thing as a career path. It’s a map, and you can change direction at any moment.

Women in their 20s often think that there’s a timeline. ‘I’m going to start a family potentially at some point, so I need to have all my gold stars before that day.’ I’m a new mom. I have a toddler, and a lot of my most interesting professional accomplishments have come in the two years since he was born. When you have children, you become very good at ruthlessly prioritizing your time and understanding what matters, so you become a lot more creatively ambitious. A lot of the women I know became a lot more ambitious after they had kids.

Capitalism and the media tells women we expire past our 30s. But I think we become the most interesting versions of ourselves when we’ve collected life experiences, when we’ve created our professional garden and when we have these very powerful networks of people who can introduce us to opportunities.

So how do you move forward? Plant some seeds. Get back into a state of curiosity about yourself. Make a bunch of professional friends, join communities, go to events and learn as much as you can. Most of your professional accomplishments will come later.

Submit your own questions to Ask Women and Work by e-mailing us at GWC@globeandmail.com.

This week’s must-read stories on women and work

Overworked and time-starved? Maybe you need a virtual assistant

For much of her career, Lori Kennedy thrived on independence. She was a personal trainer at 19 years old, then ran a nutrition practice. In 2015, she launched a business helping health and wellness practitioners and coaches go digital. But somewhere along the way, she realized, “I need help.”

During her time as a nutritionist, Ms. Kennedy saw clients from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m., but it didn’t stop there. “I would see client after client after client, and I had a one-year-old,” she says. “So I would be staying up late at night and waking up at 5 a.m. to do all sorts of back-end admin work. I only got paid when I saw clients, so I wasn’t about to give up client time to answer emails.”

Feeling less joy and motivation due to the overload, Ms. Kennedy hired her very first employee: her aunt, who answered emails and did invoicing and billing. Today, the Vaughan, Ont.-based entrepreneur has 47 employees serving clients from all over the world. And – no offence to Aunt Kennedy – she also has an executive assistant who handles both business and personal tasks.

Read why some women are gaining more balance in their lives by hiring assistants.

With subtle phrases, job postings inadvertently weed out job seekers with disabilities

When Kelly Dilworth Campbell came across a job listing for a ghostwriter position, one of the qualifications listed – “Responsible. Meets all deadlines” – didn’t sit well with her.

“That language felt incredibly shame-inducing to me and made the job a lot less appealing,” said the Toronto-based freelance writer with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Although Ms. Campbell recognizes meeting deadlines as a key function of the job and is accustomed to working in a deadline-driven environment, her objection stems from the way the requirement was phrased. For her, it glorifies perfectionism, which can be a red flag especially for people with ADHD.

“People with executive function challenges often struggle with time management so they may be prone to missing deadlines when they’re overloaded with work or when they don’t have a reasonable amount of flexibility or proper support,” she says.

Read how language in job descriptions can discourage people with disabilities from applying.

Pet project: How a pair of pugs led Open Farm’s founders to create a sustainable pet-food business

When Jacqueline Prehogan and her husband started searching out healthier, more sustainable meat alternatives for themselves, they decided they wanted to do the same thing for their pets. So they launched Toronto-based Open Farm. Now, the company is a market leader in sustainability. Ms. Prehogan explains how they got there:

“I was driving in a snowstorm and got stuck next to a transport truck carrying pigs. There was something about that moment, when we were inching along together, that I started to think, Where are these animals coming from? Where are they going?

“My husband, Isaac, and I started to make the connection between the way ingredients were raised and grown, and the nutrition of what we were eating. We wanted to know where our food was coming from. We had two pugs at that time, and we wanted to do the same for them – they’re part of the family.”

Read how Open Farm is leading on transparency and ethical sourcing in the pet food space.

In case you missed it

Fertility treatments and work: Should I tell my boss?

“Some women avoid sharing anything with their employer because they feel it’s a very private matter,” says Dr. Nada Basir, assistant professor of strategic management at the Conrad Business, Entrepreneurship and Technology Centre, University of Waterloo. “But often it’s about what we call the organizational climate – they don’t perceive that their managers or companies are going to be supportive and empathetic so they avoid sharing anything. Some are afraid that it might have consequences on their advancement opportunities. And that can be a reality, unfortunately.

“However, we found that with time, especially as they go through cycles of treatment, most women feel a need to disclose because they need the support. They need their employer to know so that they can create the space to get these treatments done. And almost everyone we talked to who eventually shared said that it had a positive impact.”

Read the full article.

From the archives

The problem with workplace wellness programs? They don’t work for everyone

Natasha Singh burnt out in 2021.

She had worked in tech marketing for more than eight years, calling it a “roller coaster experience from startup to big corporate.” And while she says she learned a great deal during that time, “so many of those years were deep in burnout.”

Although there were wellness programs to support employees in place at her organizations, a lack of inclusive activities and significant work demands made participating a challenge for Ms. Singh. While her colleagues were finding time to take advantage of gym memberships or lunchtime activities, she felt she couldn’t.

“I would watch my peers and [they] were going to yoga at lunch. They were going to work out at 5 p.m. They were centring their wellness first and work second,” says Ms. Singh.