Financial boundaries look different for immigrants in Canada supporting families back home
When Jaasmaan Singh moved to Canada from India in 2016, he was only 21 years old, but the weight of supporting his parents and sister financially rested entirely on his shoulders.
Moving in with his aunt in Mississauga, he first found work at a maple syrup factory — a uniquely Canadian gig. He went on to work hard at odd jobs for four years, regularly sending anywhere between $400 and $3,000 back home to India every month, depending on the family’s expenses. Since he became a permanent resident in 2020 and was able to start pursuing his dream of studying music like his father, he has been bringing in (and therefore sending home) a little less.
Being an immigrant in his twenties chasing his goals while also working relentlessly to keep himself and his family afloat has not been easy.
“My parents were left without any money back home, as every penny of their 30 years of savings went into sending me to Canada,” Singh explains. As a result, “boundaries never existed” when it came to establishing financial responsibilities between Singh and his family.
It’s a struggle many immigrants and children of immigrants know well: Parents migrate or send children to new countries to give them better lives, placing the onus on their children to not only find success, but be able to support them back. Hovering somewhere between a burden and privilege, the pressure to succeed and contribute can make it tougher to manage your own finances, wanting to provide for your family’s needs as well as your own.
Enoch Omololu, a Kelowna-based personal finance expert, says the dynamic between children and parents in immigrant families and families of colour depends extensively on the parents’ relationship with money, and what they’ve passed down to their children.
“If the parents used all their assets to send their kid to Canada to study and start a new life, it is almost an expectation that the child pay them back in some way or another,” Omololu says. “This often happens as many immigrants are raised — based on their culture — to see themselves as responsible for the wellbeing of their parents.”
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My parents were left without any money back home, as every penny of their 30 years of savings went into sending me to Canada.
-Jaasmaan Singh
Those children who are raised to contribute to and be accountable for their parents’ finances might find it difficult to set money aside for retirement or other future goals. This is where boundaries must come in, Omololu says, as difficult as they might be to set and uphold in families where the mere suggestion of “mine and yours” can incite conflict.
“The most important priority in these situations is for both sides to put the relationship first,” says Chrissy Kay, a Vancouver-based financial independence expert. “Everyone loses when boundaries are neither created nor enforced. Setting boundaries is an act of love, even if it doesn’t feel like it initially…it makes for a much easier, less confrontational discussion.”
Both Omololu and Kay acknowledge how hard it is to put boundaries into practice with family. But if children feel indebted long-term, the experts warn that’s when families can be driven apart.
These decisions aren’t always between spending money on yourself or sending it to your family. For instance, when Singh’s mother died during the COVID-19 pandemic, travel was banned to and from India, and there was a risk that Singh might not be able to return to Canada if he went. He ultimately chose to miss his mother’s funeral, an incredibly emotional and difficult decision.
“I was the only earning member in the family and the survival of my dad and younger sister was based on the fact that I was able to earn something in Canada,” Singh says. “If I got stuck in India, it would have been catastrophic for my family.”
When navigating feelings of guilt or debt when making major decisions like this, clear communication with your family is paramount— but these conversations should happen regularly, even when things are status quo.
“[A] key to success is to always maintain an open dialogue about how money is being managed,” Kay says. “Regular check-ins can help to ensure everyone is still happy with the plans and arrangements that have been made. By having these routine conversations, you’ll prevent small issues from blowing up into full-blown crises.”
Singh feels a financial responsibility to his family, but also a responsibility to change generational patterns when it comes to expectations around relationships, money and pursuing his dreams.
Other tactics Kay and Omololu suggest for those supporting families to ensure they feel a sense of control over their finances include setting a time or monetary limit on financial support, or pausing financial help temporarily until you are in a position where you have more to comfortably share. Aim to pay yourself first, and then use what’s left to cover everyone else’s needs and wants; create a budget to help you lay this out and keep it consistent.
In many ways, this is a take on the modern money management concept of “loud budgeting”, in which you’re transparent with friends and family about how you’re saving and spending, but while taking into account the nuanced financial realities of many immigrants.
“It’s the key to success; I have used this strategy for over a decade, before it had a name,” Omololu says. “Let family know where you stand financially, what your plans are and how you plan to get there. If they see the sacrifices you are paying to reach your goals, it can help them reconcile your actions surrounding money, spending and giving.”
These clear, open and honest conversations help ensure families have reasonable expectations for what you contribute. You’ll all grow more comfortable talking about money.
Kay also recommends new parents start early when it comes to teaching their children about money, so as not to “treat it like a taboo topic.” That could look like discussing financial news or calculating unit prices while grocery shopping.
As much as Singh feels a financial responsibility to his family, he also feels a responsibility to change generational patterns and rebel where he can, since he’d face less consequences than his sister as the only son in a Sikh family. For Singh, that has involved pursuing music for a living, but also asserting his financial independence by prioritizing his personal goals and being clear about how much money he’s making. In turn, out of understanding and support, Singh’s father began limiting his own expenses, leading to an overall happier family dynamic.
“There has always been a sense of care between us all in the family,” Singh says. Growing up, his father’s debit card always sat in a common area for anyone to use if they needed it, the pin known between everyone in the family.
“There was a sense of trust, we were all responsible. Now, they don’t expect or ask me to send money when they know I’m going through a difficult time or am unable to. That love and understanding is why, whenever I can, I want to and do provide. It’s a balance.”