The Feebles (l-r): Justin Townes Earle (guiter), Kelly Osbourne (vocals), Kiefer Sutherland (bass guitar) and Nicole Richie (piano). Missing from the picture is Frances Bean Cobain (drums).
News broke this week that singer/guitarist James McCartney, 34, is interested in forming a band with the other Beatle progeny. Given how far the Apple has fallen from the tree to date – Exhibit A: Julian Lennon's solo career – we'd like to propose calling them either the Leeches or the Trust-Fundles. Musicians' kids are generally good at only one thing: self-destruction. But isn't excess what makes rock stars great? Here's the band of celeb scions we'd actually like to see.
Kelly Osbourne, vocals
Ozzy's daughter actually had a music career of her own for a minute with a few decent singles, but she was no Miley Cyrus. Stick to your strengths, Kelly, like getting hooked on painkillers, swearing like a sailor on MTV's The Osbournes and smacking gossip columnists in the face.
Justin Townes Earle, guitar
Steve Earle's son has been following in his dad's footsteps, with stints in rehab and an incident after a show in Indianapolis that reportedly included trashing his dressing room and punching the venue-owner's kid. He has also, however, made several great records and puts on a heck of a live show. So, win-win.
Nicole Richie, piano
Her résumé includes playing piano on The View and getting busted in 2006 for driving under the influence of marijuana and Vicodin. Her dad, Lionel, sums it up best: "Forget about 40 years in show business; just surviving 27 years of Nicole Richie was a struggle and a half." You could have started by keeping her away from Paris Hilton, Pops.
Kiefer Sutherland, bass
You might not know that Donald Sutherland's son is a huge guitar enthusiast who has even lent his name to a signature series Gibson guitar. You probably do know, however, that the actor and 24 star is a notorious booze hound, having racked up two DUIs and an assault charge for head-butting a fashion designer. Just put him on bass, nobody'll notice.
Frances Bean Cobain, drums
Drums are probably the hardest instrument to play while under the influence, and while Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love's daughter has so far made sensible life decisions – like getting a restraining order against her mom – with genes like hers, it's probably only a matter of time before she flies off the rails. In the meantime: drum lessons. (If she doesn't lose it completely, demote her to manager.)