It’s been nearly three years since the onset of COVID, which means that TIFF 2022 has something our lives have been lacking since March 2020: promise. And not just the promise of films – this is the promise of celebrity. Of red carpets. Of galas. Of camera flashes not aimed at us.
This year, we can acknowledge the incredible job TIFF did of keeping events safe during a cursed time, before moving forward into Toronto’s celeb-soaked reality – a world in which we serfs get to see the beautiful and famous walk down city streets.
Are we ready?
We are not. Months of isolation and fear have lent themselves to profound social awkwardness, and connections with A-listers will not be made by slinging sourdough starter and wearing your cat in a Baby Bjorn. (Or so I’ve been told – repeatedly.) So to prep you, here’s what not to say to the celebs of TIFF 2022.
Unless you’d like to make the kind of impression I did with the above mentioned activities.
Harry Styles
British singer and actor Harry Styles arrives in Venice on September 5, 2022 for the screening of the film "Don't Worry Darling".TIZIANA FABI/AFP/Getty Images
“Are you Austin Butler?” And angels wept. It’s considered a sin to mistake the world-famous musician (Styles) with the young man who played a world-famous musician. By whom? By me. Because only one of these men had the guts to morph into a very sad, melting man in their respective film. (But don’t let me spoil the end of Don’t Worry Darling.)
Brendan Fraser
Brendan Fraser attends the premiere of No Sudden Move during the 2021 Tribeca Festival at Battery Park on June 18, 2021 in New York City.ANGELA WEISS/AFP/Getty Images
“[Anything other than sanctimonious praise].” If you see Brendan Fraser, you praise him. You praise him for The Mummy. You genuflect at the mention of Dudley Do Right. You thank him for George of the Jungle, and then apologize for not insisting on sequels of Encino Man. This man isn’t the moment, this man is the comeback. You will watch The Whale more times than you can count, and each time you will whisper, “Fraser.”
Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence attends the world premiere of Netflix's Don't Look Up on Dec. 5, 2021, in New York City.Mike Coppola/Getty Images
“How do I know you’re not really Mystique?” This is a wonderful way to be removed from the festival and asked by security why, out of her many films, you chose to cite her turn in X-Men. Of course, the only answer is to make direct eye contact with J-Law one last time and nod knowingly when she blinks to reveal Mystique’s yellow eyes. You knew it.
Viola Davis
Viola Davis arrives at the Paramount+ UK launch at Outernet London on June 20, 2022 in London, England.Joe Maher/Getty Images
Say nothing – not a word, I mean it. How dare you. How dare any of us assume that in the midst of the hoopla for The Woman King, Viola Davis has time to talk to us. She’s busy. Do you think she wants to break down the events of How to Get Away with Murder? To give out free legal advice? To be my personal lawyer and friend? Do you? Can one of you ask? I respect her too much to try.
Zac Efron
“[Any song from Hairspray.]” It is in everyone’s best interest to look across the room to Zac, approach him like an adult, and then break into the choreography for High School Musical’s anthem We’re All in This Together. He’ll do the rest.
Olivia Colman
“Did you just look at me? Did you? Look at me! Close your eyes!” I’m kidding, as it is imperative that when celebrating the premiere of Empire of Light, you quote her character’s greatest scene in The Favorite. This exchange will create an instant bond, or will see you reduced to nothing like the person she was yelling at. The choice is yours.
Stephen Spielberg
“Can I be in one of your films?” The correct approach to addressing The Fabelmans director is never to ask if you can, it is whether you may. This is how it works in Hollywood, everybody knows this.
Special to The Globe and Mail
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