Should I tell my party hosts about my severe allergies?

The question

My husband and I immigrated to Canada from a distant country. During the holidays, we usually bounce around to various house parties of other recent immigrants where we know the host, but not many guests. The parties are usually fun: interesting food, lots of music and dancing. But I have allergic asthma that gets triggered by cigarette smoke and perfume that has only gotten worse as I have gotten older. I carry my emergency medications with me without fail. But the strangers don't know that I have this issue, and on more than a few occasions at holiday parties, I've ended up at the urgent care or hospital unable to breathe. My husband says I should just medicate with megadoses of antihistamine before the parties. The hangover of Benadryl is just as bad, maybe worse, than the hangover of a crazy party, and I am so dopey that I do not enjoy the experience. Am I wrong to prioritize my health and well-being over attending these parties?

The answer

First of all, welcome to Canada! We love people from distant countries and hope you enjoy our sometimes frosty climate, ultra-polite demeanour (though it must be said that seems to apply to fewer and fewer of us lately), maple syrup and all the rest of it.

Oh, and our wonderful health-care system – and I say that as an immigrant myself (from the U.S.) I'm sorry you wound up in the hospital after some social gatherings, but did you not receive excellent service and no bill?

(I'm sort of joking but also deadly serious. It upsets me when people, e.g. talk-show hosts, adopting a "controversial" stance, describe Canada's health-care system as "broken." No, it's not broken: It's utopian.)

Now, I'm not 100-per-cent sure what you mean when you say: "Am I wrong to prioritize my health and well-being over attending these parties?" If you're saying you're thinking of skipping the parties so you don't wind up in the emergency room, of course that's your right, and I hope this husband of yours will be supportive if you go that route. And rightly so! But I don't think it needs to come to that.

(Just as an aside, if my wife wound up in the hospital after parties because of her allergies, and I was all like: "Hey, man, ultimately it's your problem, don't be a wimp, just suck it up and dose yourself with some antihistamine or whatever beforehand," I would be on the couch for a month.)

Look, you have special needs. I see no issue with announcing that to your host/hostess beforehand. If it were a question of vegetarianism or some other picayune consideration (not that vegetarianism is "picayune," but moving on), my advice might be different, but we're talking about hospital stays! Tell them, "I am really looking forward to your party, but the following activities/substances could land me in hospital."

To be honest, I don't know what can be done about perfume. That's going to be hard to control, and it may be that you simply have to moonwalk away from anyone who's splashed it on too liberally at the parties you attend.

But smoking? Fuhgedaboudit. What are you saying? That people are smoking indoors at the parties you are going to? That is so 1964.

And as a consequence of these smokers, you on occasion wind up in the hospital? Nix. Ixnay. You have arrived on the shores of a polite country, but even we are not so polite that we allow ourselves to wind up in hospital because we are too afraid to tell some dude on the couch to butt out.

(At least, that does not apply to anyone I know.)

So yes, in your shoes I would a) tell the hostess in advance I have a medical condition triggered by smoking and perfume, and if she could let people know about it I'd appreciate it, b) give someone who decided to wear perfume anyway a wide berth, and c) tell someone who actually decides to smoke indoors in this day and age to please butt out or take it outside.

It's your right. As I say, you've now joined a country with a wonderful health-care system. But you also have numerous rights, including the right to stay out of that same system because of other people's boorish, selfish choices at parties.

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