My friend made a move on me. Should I tell his wife?

The Question

My husband and I are good friends with another couple, attending theatre and having dinner together. We had tickets to a sports event that my husband couldn't attend. I called this couple and the husband accepted the invitation. At the event, he consumed three beers. Heading home, he said, "I'd like to properly thank you for taking me to this game," and attempted to embrace and kiss me. I was shocked. I informed my husband; wanting to confront our friend, a telephone call was arranged. I stated that the incident upset me, that my husband was aware, and I attributed it to alcohol intake. My friend never denied it and sent some apologetic texts. I messaged our hope for resolution, but need for distance. Two months have passed; we worry the wife thinks we are avoiding them. We hoped he would confess to her, but don't think he has. Should I give him a deadline, indicating that failure to do so would force me to disclose to his wife to explain our absence?

The Answer

Three beers? Three beers excuses nothing. God. Who gets drunk after three beers? I could look at a beer and it would be half-gone, such is my thirst. Sorry to focus on that, but people use alcohol as an excuse for what they really want to do. "Oooh, I had three beers, I hardly knew what I was doing, now I hit on you."

Sorry, please – he clearly has wanted to do this for a while.

Bottom line: It's nip-in-the-bud time.

The first thing you should do is talk to this "friend" – or maybe your husband should.

It's caveman time, maybe. I have always styled myself as a Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG), but when it comes to dudes hitting on my wife, it brings out the Cro-Magnon in me.

Brandishing a mastodon bone: "You hit on my mate? I hit you on head with femur of soon-to-be-extinct animal! Maybe you soon to be extinct, too, if I bop you enough times on the skull!"

Yeah, or, to put it another way and update the whole scenario by several hundred-thousand years with a 1990s reference (Pulp Fiction), maybe he should touch base with "a couple of hard, pipe-hitting [friends] to go to work on Holmes here with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch"… and go ahead and "get medieval" on this dude.

Barring that – if he doesn't want to go all Ving Rhames on this guy – then maybe you should say something.

Something such as, "Hey pal, I don't appreciate you making the moves on me like that, because a) you're married; b) so am I; c) we're all supposed to be friends."

I know if I were your husband, I would appreciate the gesture.

Because, ultimately, where does one's loyalty reside here? To one's spouse. I would not hesitate to make his spouse aware of the fact he's a line-crosser. Yes, it could cause problems, yes it could be awkward for him vis-à-vis his wife. So be it. He made the bed (that he wishes you were in, it appears). Let him lie in it.

I'd be public and open about everything. Even when responding to his "apologetic" texts, I'd cc everyone. I don't know him, I don't know you, but knowing what I know of human nature (and sorry it's not more sanguine: the older I get, the more misanthropic I become), I wouldn't put it past him to use these apologies as a Trojan horse/snake-in-the-grass to attempt to spark things up again: "Oooh, I'm so sorry about hitting on you, please allow me to get together with you over, say, a delightful bottle of Malbec to try to explain."

Ixnay. Whether you, as you put it, "disclose" to his wife or not is up to you – obviously, someone making a sloppy, (pseudo) drunken pass at you or anyone is a forgivable offence.

So get together with them, or not, as you see fit. Tell the wife, or not, as you see fit. But if you take my advice (and hey, you asked for it), I would be guided at all times by wanting to make a great show of loyalty to your husband.

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