How do I tell my socially awkward husband to stay home from my office party?

The question

I love my husband and in fact am very proud of him, but he can be awkward and even embarrassing in social situations. Now, with the office Christmas party coming up, I'm not exactly sure what to do. I brought him a few years ago and he embarrassed me a little by ordering several drinks at once, since they were free, in front of my boss. He also ate a lot of the snacks on offer – not that there's anything wrong with it, exactly, but I felt a couple of my co-workers were looking at him funny. Also, I'm worried he will say something to someone that will hurt my reputation. I'm tempted to tell him we're not allowed to bring a "plus one" this time around, but if he finds out that's not true, it could be real trouble for our relationship. Is there a gentle way I can tell him I want him to stay home this year? Our kids are now mostly grown, so I can't use babysitting as an excuse.

The answer

First of all, please allow me to congratulate you on working in an company where they still have Christmas parties complete with snacks and free open bar.

"Free open bar" being, along with "set for life" and "I love you," one of my favourite three-word phrases in the English language.

It's a ticklish transaction deciding whether to bring a spouse to office parties.

For one thing, you will obviously know everyone better than he does and want to catch up on office gossip and so forth. He may wind up feeling abandoned or excluded if you don't pay attention to him.

For that reason, I voluntarily opt out of many of my wife's work functions. I pride myself on being gregarious and able to talk to most people in most situations. But, if I wind up staring into space with no one to talk to, I don't want her to worry, to come over and sit with me and ask how I'm doing and so on – or myself to feel any resentment if she doesn't and continues to chat merrily with her co-workers.

The other danger is your husband could wind up blurting out something about work you told him in confidence, something that could get you in trouble – especially if alcohol's involved.

He could wind up drunkenly chewing your boss out. Or worse. I think the most spine-tingling story I ever heard of bringing one's spouse to an office party is a husband who brought his wife, who proceeded to drunkenly give his boss a hard time for making him work so much overtime.

"What are you talking about?" the boss said. "I never make him work overtime." Which is how she found out he was having an affair.

So, certainly don't bring him if you're having an affair and covering up by claiming fake overtime.

All in all, it's just one man's opinion, but I'd say the downsides of taking hubby to the party outweigh the upsides. A lot of people tend to feel that office parties are safe zones, that "what happens at the office party stays at the office party." But that's not true in my observation. These things are minefields and the last thing you need is a spouse stepping on a Bouncing Betty or dropping verbal daisy-cutters.

I remember one young woman at an office party drunkenly falling down a set of stairs, her head bouncing off each step and having to be taken to the hospital. That went right in her dossier, with a little red flag.

Of course, it's possible you'll hurt his feelings asking him to sit this one out. But there are ways of gently explaining to him why: Some version of what I've said above should suffice.

Tell him you love him, you're proud of him, but it's a potentially fraught situation and you want to navigate it alone. He should understand.

Now, it's possible I'm being a nervous Nellie and you'll go and have a good time and I'm just over-thinking the whole thing. If you do decide to bring him, I, nervous Nellie, would still say to map out the lay of the land and lay some ground rules – what to say and not to say; take it easy on the snacks; don't get too drunk, etc.

He might bristle at this, but he shouldn't. It's work, brings in money and naturally you want to stay in good standing there.

And don't forget to comport yourself with aplomb. It's one thing to have a spouse who's a loose cannon – that could happen to anyone – but if you go bouncing down the stairs hitting each one with your head, that could hurt you professionally as well as physically.